Adventures in Rachel-land

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

I didn't grow up in a house that exemplified equality in marriage. While maybe not always in deed, at least in words, "Your Father is the leader of the home". As a result of where I am from, I tend to be a little uptight about making sure 'my rights' aren't being violated. Now that I am in a real life relationship, my black and white views of how things should be are fading into more palatable greys. Am I abandoning my beliefs or just letting go of childish ideals?

My husband is considering changing jobs. I'm not overly sure I think that's the best plan. However, he is going to make this decision. When I say that, I feel a little like I am ignoring my feminist beliefs.

Of course I told him how I felt. I told him I loved him andI was completely on his team. Then he told me all the benefits he saw out of a move like this. And I told him the negatives I saw. Then we talked about it again, and said all the same things in a new way. Then we talked about it again. But the bottom line is that this is his career. This is his daily doings. And maybe I'm right and the commute will be unbearable, but maybe he is right and the positive steps in his career will be worth it. But either way, I don't get to make the decision about his career. I get to give input and am grateful that he is 'hearing' me. But he can't tell me what to do,and I can't tell him what to do. The whole 'decision making as a couple' thing is an evolving concept in my life. Decisions that affect both of us should be made democratically. But inthose situations where we disagree, turns out our parents were right, and someone has to be the 'final say'. The difference is he doesn't get the last word here because he has a penis. He gets the last word here because he is the one who is most affected by this decision. Just like I get the last word about my career. And of course, if I felt more adamantly against this, I would expect him to respect that. But, in this situation, I don't feel strongly enough to draw a line in the sand. I hope I'm not changing who I am, but the fact is that in 'real life' sometimes both members of the team can't be in control.

My best friend tell me that compromising is not a betrayal of 'who i am'. She doesn't think equality is about everyone getting equal treatment... It's about everyone having a voice. Everyone gets to say their piece, andeveryone gets heard, and everyone makes a decision that is good for the general population.

What do you think?


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