Adventures in Rachel-land

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Does that make me crazy?

I keep thinking about that scene in Kill Bill, when Uma Thurman goes into the mountains to start her training. And she stands in front of that piece of wood as the first step. And she places her hand against the board, then pulls it back and punches. And she just keeps punching, touch and punch, touch and punch....until her hand is bloody. And she just keeps punching. And for some reason, visualizing that scene has helped me to center myself. I don't know why. Perhaps it is something I should discuss with a professional.

For years, when I've been struggling with anxiety or the extreme emotional reactions that come with my PMS, I've tended to get into who I call 'repetitive thoughts'. I have no idea if this is an actual thing or not. I can clearly remember having a fight with a boyfriend when I was 23. I laid in my bed that night and thought, "He doesn't love me". And it made me cry. So I just laid there, thinking it over and over, he doesn't love me, he doesn't love me, he doesn't love me. When I get upset, usually irrationally so, I just can't stop repeating whatever thought is hurting me. "i hate this life, i hate this life, i hate this life. And I know it only makes things worse. And I take deep breaths. And try to focus on something else. And then my brain relaxes and I spin back over and start repeating the destructive thought.

For whatever reason, the mental image of hitting that board over and over stops the repetitive thought. And I visualize myself lining up my hand and calmly punching. Over and over. I can almost feel the wood hit my knuckles. And then I can break the cycle and move on to something else. Something not destructive.

I don't know why it works. Or if it will work for long. Or if it means I'm crazy nutso. But it helps.

Monday, February 07, 2011

Bigges Blogging Loser Week Whatever

I can't even tell anymore what week it is. My weight for February 7th is 211.5. I'm still moving in a downward direction just very slowly. I caught a cold two weeks ago, then we were snowed in last week....and it's just been very difficult. There is no real good excuse here. I got up to go to the gym this morning and the wipers on my car refused to turn off. So...that makes it challenging to go to the gym. We were unable to get to the store last week because of the ice. The house is a mess, I've lost my mojo and it's just hard.


Wednesday, February 02, 2011

C C C Cold

We are having the lowest temperatures North Texas has had in over 15 years. I had to work yesterday, but due to the strain on the power system, the library is closed today. Luckily, the child has been remarkably charming for being locked in the house for the second day in a row. A went out to the grocery store this morning, risking her life to provide my son with raisins. It has been extremely pleasant to be at home today. I emptied the dishwasher, put away some laundry, and changed the sheets on the bed. But mostly, I read books to my kid and watched stupid television. My diet is absolutely blown with the muffins we made and the soup I ate for lunch. Not to mention the complete lack of exercise this week.