Adventures in Rachel-land

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Does that make me crazy?

I keep thinking about that scene in Kill Bill, when Uma Thurman goes into the mountains to start her training. And she stands in front of that piece of wood as the first step. And she places her hand against the board, then pulls it back and punches. And she just keeps punching, touch and punch, touch and punch....until her hand is bloody. And she just keeps punching. And for some reason, visualizing that scene has helped me to center myself. I don't know why. Perhaps it is something I should discuss with a professional.

For years, when I've been struggling with anxiety or the extreme emotional reactions that come with my PMS, I've tended to get into who I call 'repetitive thoughts'. I have no idea if this is an actual thing or not. I can clearly remember having a fight with a boyfriend when I was 23. I laid in my bed that night and thought, "He doesn't love me". And it made me cry. So I just laid there, thinking it over and over, he doesn't love me, he doesn't love me, he doesn't love me. When I get upset, usually irrationally so, I just can't stop repeating whatever thought is hurting me. "i hate this life, i hate this life, i hate this life. And I know it only makes things worse. And I take deep breaths. And try to focus on something else. And then my brain relaxes and I spin back over and start repeating the destructive thought.

For whatever reason, the mental image of hitting that board over and over stops the repetitive thought. And I visualize myself lining up my hand and calmly punching. Over and over. I can almost feel the wood hit my knuckles. And then I can break the cycle and move on to something else. Something not destructive.

I don't know why it works. Or if it will work for long. Or if it means I'm crazy nutso. But it helps.

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