Adventures in Rachel-land

Saturday, December 31, 2011

2012 Goals

2012 Goals

1. Try not to complain about Barry’s behavior in nonproductive ways. Ask for what I need (please come watch TV with me) not complain about what he does (you never hang out with me). Make no comments that denigrate who he is. No shreeker monkey.

2. Give up sugar.
I want to just not eat any candy, cookies, or SODA until I weigh less than 200 lbs.

3. Attend a professional sporting event. (also with the boys)

4. Try 24 new vegetables.

5. Read 50 NEW (not rereads) books. (at least 10 adult, at least 5 "classics", 100 total books).

6. Write a letter once a month.

7. Once a month socializing with someone not related to me.

8. Do a 5k.

9. Read a book with Ledger every single day.
If he is gone at Grandma’s for over 24 hours that I fine, but if I see him I want to read to him. This is slipping in our routine because I am tired, and I don’t want it to.

10. Go somewhere overnight alone. Breathe deeply.

11. Don’t spend any money in January. Or the rest of the year.
Abigail will buy groceries, I will pay the bills, and Barry has agreed to fill my car with gas. I’m gonna put my debit/credit cards away. We need to tighten up eating out and groceries. With credit cards, bank loans, car loans, and student loans we are almost $40,000 in debt. I want that to be less than $20,000 one year from today. This is doable if nothing goes wrong, and that’s totally possible, right?

12. Paint Ledger’s room.

13. DO one nice thing for Barry every week. Work on strengthening my marriage with less talking. Do it without expecting gratitude.

14. Go Camping! (with the boys)

15. Try 3 new exercises. (activities like yoga, not exercises like squats or something)

16. Organize an area or room and make a box for goodwill every month. Hopefully this will make my home less cluttered.

17. Invite a new friend out to lunch.

18. Help a stranger once a month. If I don’t have time to volunteer at the pantry, I can still donate something, pay for someone’s lunch, pick up trash, etc.

I want to expand my world this year. Barry, Ledger, my health, and my job are important parts of my life, but it feels like I’ve closed off a bit this year. He’s getting bigger. New people, new things, new ideas….broadening.

2011 Goals, revisited

My 2011 list was largely a failure. I did not do more than I did. I’m still glad I did it though. I printed the list and hung it in the bathroom, and that really contributed to me not forgetting completely about this by Feburary 1st. It was good to have goals and directions, and I’m definitely planning on making another list for 2012. One that I will hopefully accomplish more fully.

1. Weigh less than 200lbs for the majority of the year, but definitely the last quarter.
Fail. I got down to 203 and then lost my fool mind. I paid attention and worked on it though and am pretty proud of how I did.

2. Give up processed sweets for three months (jan-mar)
partial. I did not have processed sweet for three months, but it was every other month, not three in a row. Very, very good for me and something I’m gonna do again.

3. Eat a vegetable every day.
Fail. I did well for awhile, but fell apart as the year went on. However, glad I did it, I definitely ate more vegetables this year than I have in the past, so YAY.

4. Earn at least 9 college credits.
Partial. I earned four.

5. See at least 2 live theater presentations.
YES! One I completed. Barry took me to see a local college production of Oklahoma, and then we saw Blue Man Group in Vegas. Very happy.

6. Leave the state for vacation.
YES! Went to Vegas for a week with my husband.

7. Wear lipstick at least once a month.
Fail. But I did it several times, and it always made me feel good.

8. Read 50 books. (at least 10 adult, at least 5 "classics")
Partial. I read 95 books, but only 2 classics. (Pride and Prejudice and Candide). Quite a few rereads and several nonfiction.

9. Write in a journal every week. (or here, whatever)
No. Fail. Fail. Fail.

10. Exercise every week. This is not to say that once a week is enough, but I definitely do not want more than a week to go by without some exercise. That is how we get to months without.
Fail.

11. Do 2 5ks.
Partial. I only did one but I’m very proud I went out and did it alone.

12. Learn to ride a bike.
Yes.

13. Organize our digital pictures.
Yes.

14. Host 2 parties at our home.
Not Really. We had people over for the holidays and for ledgers birthday, but did not fulfill the spirit of the goal, which really should have read, “make some friends”

15. Pay off 25% of consumer debt. This does NOT include car, house, and student loan. It does include the bank loan and the credit card debt.
Partial. Technically we did, but we took out a loan for a new roof, took a trip to vegas, and found out we owe the IRS $3000. So the credit cards are lower, but now the car loan and the IRS debt make our total debt greater. Boo.

16. Purchase a laptop with real money, not on credit.
Yes! I bought a tablet with Barry’s midyear bonus. Love.

17. Purchase 2 nice work outfits.
Yes. New work clothes.

18. Do 3 decorative things to our home. Could be paint, curtains, hang something on the walls, etc.
Technically yes, but once again, did not improve my home as much as I wanted.

19. Be kind to my spouse. Not as focused a goal, but definitely worthwhile.
No. We did a little counseling, and we did some date nights, but the net goal of kindness was not achieved throughout the year.

20. Watch Ledger try an organised sport. Doesn't have to succeed or continue, but would like him to try this year.
Yes! Soccer. It was…not good. He was really to young. And I am scarred for life.

21. Take Ledger to an art museum.
Yes! A nice Sunday afternoon at the Kimbell with Aunt Patty and Greg was a worthwhile way to spend some time. Good.

22. Volunteer with Ledger.
No. He was too young for this, but he did witness me volunteering and also helped gather donations for the less fortunate.

23. Grow something.
No. Stupid dead plants.

24. Make something creative.
Yes! I made superhero capes! Which he refuses to wear! But I made them!

25. Hike through River Legacy with my boys.
Yes! And it was hot, and I was miserable and they loved it.

So, eleven out of twenty-five. That’s a failing grade. But I worked on lots of stuff and I worked 40 hours a week, and read books with my son, and sat in church most Sunday mornings.

Happier? Not really, probably about the same.
Richer? HAHAHA! No.
Thinner? Yes. But barely.
Proud of myself? Absolutely.

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Wednesday, July 06, 2011

2011 Goals, revisited

It is now halfway through the year, and a good time for an update on my 2011 goals.
1. Weigh less than 200lbs for the majority of the year, but definitely the last quarter. Well, I’ve made good progress here. Today I am at 204, but I know I can meet this one.
2. Give up processed sweets for three months (jan-mar) Done! I actually skipped a couple months, but I did give up sweets for three months, Jan/mar/may.
3. Eat a vegetable every day. I wouldn’t say I’m 100% on this, but I am definitely, consistently, working at it. I’m gonna give myself a check mark here and keep at it. In fact, I’m eating broccoli at my desk right now!
4. Earn at least 9 college credits. Earned 4 credits, probably 4 more in the fall. Not perfect but close.
5. See at least 2 live theater presentations. 50% completion rate, saw Oklahoma, still working on it.
6. Leave the state for vacation. Planning a trip for October, although technically we drove through Arkansas last weekend, so…..DONE.
7. Wear lipstick at least once a month. A good goal and I am doing good, just got to stick with it.
8. Read 50 books. (at least 10 adult, at least 5 "classics") Done! Read 50 books. Need to focus on ‘classics’ in the second half of the year.
9. Write in a journal every week. (or here, whatever) Fail! Fail, fail, fail. Just can’t prioritize the time for this. Gonna take it off the list.
10. Exercise every week. This is not to say that once a week is enough, but I definitely do not want more than a week to go by without some exercise. That is how we get to months without. And I started to slip some in May, but was doing good up till then. The heat is a REAL issue, but I’m working on this one.
11. Do 2 5ks. 50% , finished one, will do another in the fall when it cools down.
12. Learn to ride a bike. Done! Apparently you don’t forget! I hope to do more of this when it cools down again.
13. Organize our digital pictures. I’ve done nothing on this one.
14. Host 2 parties at our home. I’m gonna count Ledger’s birthday party, which is probably not technically fair, but…yay! 50%
15. Pay off 25% of consumer debt. This does NOT include car, house, and student loan. It does include the bank loan and the credit card debt. I don’t know. I’m afraid to look. We are working on this one.
16. Purchase a laptop with real money, not on credit. Nope.
17. Purchase 2 nice work outfits. 50%, spent some money in may on nice clothes, now I just have to keep it up.
18. Do 3 decorative things to our home. Could be paint, curtains, hang something on the walls, etc. Nope.
19. Be kind to my spouse. Not as focused a goal, but definitely worthwhile. Nope, but it’s good to keep it on the list.
20. Watch Ledger try an organised sport. Doesn't have to succeed or continue, but would like him to try this year. Signed up for fall soccer, so not technically completed, we are on track.
21. Take Ledger to an art museum. We’ve done some science museums, but still need to hit DMA.
22. Volunteer with Ledger. Nope.
23. Grow something. Nope.
24. Make something creative. Nope.
25. Hike through River Legacy with my boys. Yes! Yay. It was hot, and hot, and I was sweaty, but we did this as a family.

That’s not actually great odds, but at least I’ve done some of them, right? Now I can reprint the list and try again.

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Saturday, June 11, 2011

So, So Lucky

From the other room I hear him telling his father, “I’ll do it myself”. I come into the bathroom to see them in the shower. Ledger is holding the sponge while Barry stands there, patiently instructing him. “hey buddy, you forgot the back of your arm”.

I come home from work to find them in a blanket fort, laughing hysterically.

We go to the pool and he clings to his father, completely trusting him to keep him safe. He jumps off the side into his father’s arms, comes up sputtering, but smiling.

I turn into the driveway to see him pedaling towards me, propped up on pillows so his feet can reach the pedals. His father beaming behind him.

We go to a festival and I look over at them. Ledger beaming up on his shoulders. My husband is literally bearing the burden of him.

He heads off to work in the morning, but before he goes, he picks him up. My giant baby, whose feet hang halfway to the floor. He picks him up and holds him so close, and so tight that I know Ledger will be able to feel that hug all day.

I always think of myself as the ‘better’ parent. I’m the one who reads the books. I’m the one who worries about schedules. I’m the one who researches and creates a plan for potty training or preschool or family outings. I’m the one who cleans his room, buys his clothes, makes his doctor appointments, and worries about his nutritional intake. But that is wrong, I'm not better, I'm just different. We have different strengths.

He’s the fun one. The one who laughs. The realistic one. The one who tells me to take a deep breath. The one who plays tackle and tickle. He’s the one who bathes him, scrubbing at his face while making a silly sound to distract him. The one who literally carries him when he can’t carry himself. He is playful and stern. He is so, so loving and affectionate.

We could both me more patient, more engaged, more patient. But what he does….the father he is….we are both so incredibly, incredibly lucky.

Saturday, May 07, 2011

The K is for Killing Me

So I participated in a 5K today. I couldn’t get anyone to come with me so I did it alone. You know not alone, but without anyone I knew. And about 20 seconds in I thought, “oh crap, this was stupid.” But, I also decided that as long as I continued to move in a positive direction and they weren’t gathering up the safety cones behind me, I was winning. So I did it. I wasn’t at the end of the line, but I was certainly close to the end. But I finished, without falling down. It was 8:52 as I headed back to my car. So, I walked/jogged 5 kilometers in under an hour. And now my goal time should be laughably easy to beat. The next 5K goal will be to finish in less than 45 minutes. I need to work on a plan that will allow me to accomplish that goal. In the meantime, here is my list of excuses for why I did so poorly today.

1. I was ALONE. Everyone knows hard things are harder without support.
2. The little old ladies (literally) and mama’s carrying babies who passed me were probably using performance enhancing drugs.
3. I was running with a light backpack on that held the things I needed, if I could have left them with someone it might have been easier. (see excuse #1). So I started my ‘race’ with my keys, cell phone, sunglasses, a bottle of water, and…a…book (blushing) on my back. I dumped out the water about 1 mile in.
4. My gluteus maximum was sore from riding my bike (first time in 12 years) the day before.
5. I failed to eat a nutritious breakfast beforehand.
6. And the final, probably only valid excuse: I am so out of shape.

Then I went home, showered, took Ledger to the park, and then came into work for a few hours.

I’m not sure I can move. Happy Mother’s Day to me.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Updates

Weight Update: After getting down to 201, I had a delicious Easter and am currently at 203. This is going to be my week though, I just know it.

Ledger Update: Thinks he is in charge of the world and gets pretty upset when you don't agree. Yesterday I asked him to come upstairs with me, but he wanted me to walk a specific way. When I didn't bend to his whims, he started a screaming fit. (FUN!) I sent him to his room until he could calm down, but he threw himself on the ground and screamed "NEVER". It is hard not to laugh when he hollers as though he is defending Scotland.

Work Update: Sigh. I need to find a way to make my peace with it or change it. This spot I'm in where I just let it suck me into crabbiness is no good. Maybe my vacation in may will help. Maybe getting back up to full staff in June will help. Maybe winning the lottery will help.

Exercise Update: Not doing as well, I think I got bored with the walking track. I've been reading on the treadmill at an incline the last couple visits to the gym and that has been pretty simple. Does that mean it isn't working?

Goal List Update: I am halfway through the 50 books I wanted to read and am well on my way to making an out of state trip happen. I have obviously failed the journaling weekly goal, but am making progress on everything else.

Off to make lunches for my children.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Exercise

I've been going to the rec center 2 - 3 times a week since the beginning of the year. I go upstairs to the walking track. I walk a lap, run a lap, walk a lap. Then I use the hydraulic weight machines, running one and walking one lap in between each machines. I do 15 reps on each machine. The running track takes 16 laps for a mile. With eight machines and two laps between machines, I always get to a mile and a half, and most of the time to 2 miles.

I want to run longer, do more resistance on the machines, and add more laps, but it feels good to be making progress.

Weight Update: 3/23/11 206 pounds

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Does that make me crazy?

I keep thinking about that scene in Kill Bill, when Uma Thurman goes into the mountains to start her training. And she stands in front of that piece of wood as the first step. And she places her hand against the board, then pulls it back and punches. And she just keeps punching, touch and punch, touch and punch....until her hand is bloody. And she just keeps punching. And for some reason, visualizing that scene has helped me to center myself. I don't know why. Perhaps it is something I should discuss with a professional.

For years, when I've been struggling with anxiety or the extreme emotional reactions that come with my PMS, I've tended to get into who I call 'repetitive thoughts'. I have no idea if this is an actual thing or not. I can clearly remember having a fight with a boyfriend when I was 23. I laid in my bed that night and thought, "He doesn't love me". And it made me cry. So I just laid there, thinking it over and over, he doesn't love me, he doesn't love me, he doesn't love me. When I get upset, usually irrationally so, I just can't stop repeating whatever thought is hurting me. "i hate this life, i hate this life, i hate this life. And I know it only makes things worse. And I take deep breaths. And try to focus on something else. And then my brain relaxes and I spin back over and start repeating the destructive thought.

For whatever reason, the mental image of hitting that board over and over stops the repetitive thought. And I visualize myself lining up my hand and calmly punching. Over and over. I can almost feel the wood hit my knuckles. And then I can break the cycle and move on to something else. Something not destructive.

I don't know why it works. Or if it will work for long. Or if it means I'm crazy nutso. But it helps.