Adventures in Rachel-land

 What Kind of Life Do You Want: A Midlife Crisis Exercise I want a comfortable life.        I want air-conditioning when it's hot and I want hot water in my shower and I want soft pillows on my bed. I want a life of community.     I want to volunteer at the food pantry and sing in the church choir and serve on a municipal parks board. I want a life of connection.     I want to be a healthy, safe mother to my son and a support to my partner and I want strong relationships with my family of origin. I want a life of wellness.     I want to get enough sleep and eat enough vegetables and drink enough water and move my body in ways that feel good. I want a life of growth.     I want to learn new things and visit new places and learn new skills.

  In 2021 I ….. worked (a lot) as a librarian and a manager as my workplace went through a number of transitions to move us back towards pre-covid services. For a while A LOT of people yelled at me about masks but it was OVERALL a pretty good year at work.   traveled to Chicago with my husband. got COVID when my child brought it home from school and shared it with his parents. We are all vaccinated so our cases were extremely mild and the biggest stressors were figuring testing and deciding how long to quarantine. went to Houston to celebrate Aunt Patty’s retirement.     hung out with my sister… took Ledger to a baseball game and to play racquetball and to Waco and to downtown Dallas and to school. had a girls weekend in Walnut Springs.   watched my son get Baptized and Confirmed (sobbing).  slept in my office to be on firewatch while the electricity was out at the library!   got a new dishwasher and a new hot water heater!   spent all my leisure ...

If I won the Lottery: If I had 50 million in the bank and no need to work, I would read and putter and travel to all fifty states and then come home and join the parks board and the community theater.    If I was Alone:  If I had no one to depend on me but still needed to support myself, I would quit my job and go back to school to get a degree in accounting.  I would work in an office for the next 20 years, just me and some spreadsheets. If all goes as Planned:  I'll retire in 5 years when Ledger turns 18. I'll take a six month sabbatical, get him graduated, read and nap.  Then Barry and I are going to drive across the country.  Then in the fall of that year, I'll have to decide what's next.  Maybe I'll start applying for jobs in a northern state, Kansas maybe, Ohio or Iowa.  We'll sell the house and EVERYTHING IN IT and start a new chapter in a cooler climate.

 In 2021:  I would like to continue making food choices that meet my body's needs.  More vegetables and water, less carbs and candy.   About the same amount of tea. I would like to read 100 books! I would like to visit a new state. I would like to go on a real date with my husband once a month. I would like to visit 5 state parks with Ledger. I'd like to spend more time laughing with my son, less time talking AT him. I'd like to spend more time celebrating my gifts, less time worrying. I'd like to spend more time listening, less time talking. I'd like to spend more time reading, less time watching Chopped. Naps and volunteering and engaging with my community.    Hugs and snuggles and long walks with the dogs. No one gets sick, everyone stays happy and engaged at school and work, no one dies.   Let's Go.

  Time for 2020 in review! 5 Hardest/Worst Things about 2020 for me PERSONALLY:      1) Making decisions and managing my son's education in a pandemic.      2) Canceling (and losing the money for) my trip to London      3) The stress of feeling responsible/worrying about the employment status of my part-time direct                reports      4) Managing a new team while being socially distanced from them.      5) Missing church and going to the movies. It feels appropriate to say here that I understand and acknowledge the shocking luck and privilege that in a year when SO MANY lost jobs, and health, and loved ones, and even their lives, these were the hardest parts for me. One of the strangest parts of this year was the lack of a comprehensive way for our community and nation to share in what should be a kind of communal mourning for our losses. 5 Best Moments o...

I have a fantastic job. I get to do work that is meaningful. I genuinely believe that the work I do is important and positively touches people's lives.   I like the environment I work in. The job is fun and rewarding. I am well compensated. I have enough money to pay for my son's food (also his tennis lessons and inevitable braces). I have money for breakfast burritos and books and occasional fun dresses. 21% of my annual salary goes into a healthy retirement account. The people I work with treat me with respect and kindness. Most days the work is pretty low stress. Every word I just typed is true. That means that the rest of this post is clearly just the whinings of an ungrateful woman. The schedule is the WORST. I only work 40 hours a week, but those hours are used to cover a seven day a week facility. That means the schedule is always changing so it feels like I work ALL the time. I can't join a community organization because I regularly have to cover different shi...

2012 Goals 1. Try not to complain about Barry’s behavior in nonproductive ways. Ask for what I need (please come watch TV with me) not complain about what he does (you never hang out with me). Make no comments that denigrate who he is. No shreeker monkey. 2. Give up sugar. I want to just not eat any candy, cookies, or SODA until I weigh less than 200 lbs. 3. Attend a professional sporting event. (also with the boys) 4. Try 24 new vegetables. 5. Read 50 NEW (not rereads) books. (at least 10 adult, at least 5 "classics", 100 total books). 6. Write a letter once a month. 7. Once a month socializing with someone not related to me. 8. Do a 5k. 9. Read a book with Ledger every single day. If he is gone at Grandma’s for over 24 hours that I fine, but if I see him I want to read to him. This is slipping in our routine because I am tired, and I don’t want it to. 10. Go somewhere overnight alone. Breathe deeply. 11. Don’t spend any money in January. Or the rest of th...

My 2011 list was largely a failure. I did not do more than I did. I’m still glad I did it though. I printed the list and hung it in the bathroom, and that really contributed to me not forgetting completely about this by Feburary 1st. It was good to have goals and directions, and I’m definitely planning on making another list for 2012. One that I will hopefully accomplish more fully. 1. Weigh less than 200lbs for the majority of the year, but definitely the last quarter. Fail. I got down to 203 and then lost my fool mind. I paid attention and worked on it though and am pretty proud of how I did. 2. Give up processed sweets for three months (jan-mar) partial. I did not have processed sweet for three months, but it was every other month, not three in a row. Very, very good for me and something I’m gonna do again. 3. Eat a vegetable every day. Fail. I did well for awhile, but fell apart as the year went on. However, glad I did it, I definitely ate more vegetables this...

It is now halfway through the year, and a good time for an update on my 2011 goals. 1. Weigh less than 200lbs for the majority of the year, but definitely the last quarter. Well, I’ve made good progress here. Today I am at 204, but I know I can meet this one. 2. Give up processed sweets for three months (jan-mar) Done! I actually skipped a couple months, but I did give up sweets for three months, Jan/mar/may. 3. Eat a vegetable every day. I wouldn’t say I’m 100% on this, but I am definitely, consistently, working at it. I’m gonna give myself a check mark here and keep at it. In fact, I’m eating broccoli at my desk right now! 4. Earn at least 9 college credits. Earned 4 credits, probably 4 more in the fall. Not perfect but close. 5. See at least 2 live theater presentations. 50% completion rate, saw Oklahoma, still working on it. 6. Leave the state for vacation. Planning a trip for October, although technically we drove through Arkansas last weekend, so…..DONE. 7. Wear lip...

From the other room I hear him telling his father, “I’ll do it myself”. I come into the bathroom to see them in the shower. Ledger is holding the sponge while Barry stands there, patiently instructing him. “hey buddy, you forgot the back of your arm”. I come home from work to find them in a blanket fort, laughing hysterically. We go to the pool and he clings to his father, completely trusting him to keep him safe. He jumps off the side into his father’s arms, comes up sputtering, but smiling. I turn into the driveway to see him pedaling towards me, propped up on pillows so his feet can reach the pedals. His father beaming behind him. We go to a festival and I look over at them. Ledger beaming up on his shoulders. My husband is literally bearing the burden of him. He heads off to work in the morning, but before he goes, he picks him up. My giant baby, whose feet hang halfway to the floor. He picks him up and holds him so close, and so tight that I know Ledger will b...

So I participated in a 5K today. I couldn’t get anyone to come with me so I did it alone. You know not alone, but without anyone I knew. And about 20 seconds in I thought, “oh crap, this was stupid.” But, I also decided that as long as I continued to move in a positive direction and they weren’t gathering up the safety cones behind me, I was winning. So I did it. I wasn’t at the end of the line, but I was certainly close to the end. But I finished, without falling down. It was 8:52 as I headed back to my car. So, I walked/jogged 5 kilometers in under an hour. And now my goal time should be laughably easy to beat. The next 5K goal will be to finish in less than 45 minutes. I need to work on a plan that will allow me to accomplish that goal. In the meantime, here is my list of excuses for why I did so poorly today. 1. I was ALONE. Everyone knows hard things are harder without support. 2. The little old ladies (literally) and mama’s carrying babies who passed me were probably using perfor...

Weight Update: After getting down to 201, I had a delicious Easter and am currently at 203. This is going to be my week though, I just know it. Ledger Update: Thinks he is in charge of the world and gets pretty upset when you don't agree. Yesterday I asked him to come upstairs with me, but he wanted me to walk a specific way. When I didn't bend to his whims, he started a screaming fit. (FUN!) I sent him to his room until he could calm down, but he threw himself on the ground and screamed "NEVER". It is hard not to laugh when he hollers as though he is defending Scotland. Work Update: Sigh. I need to find a way to make my peace with it or change it. This spot I'm in where I just let it suck me into crabbiness is no good. Maybe my vacation in may will help. Maybe getting back up to full staff in June will help. Maybe winning the lottery will help. Exercise Update: Not doing as well, I think I got bored with the walking track. I've been reading on the treadmill a...

I've been going to the rec center 2 - 3 times a week since the beginning of the year. I go upstairs to the walking track. I walk a lap, run a lap, walk a lap. Then I use the hydraulic weight machines, running one and walking one lap in between each machines. I do 15 reps on each machine. The running track takes 16 laps for a mile. With eight machines and two laps between machines, I always get to a mile and a half, and most of the time to 2 miles. I want to run longer, do more resistance on the machines, and add more laps, but it feels good to be making progress. Weight Update: 3/23/11 206 pounds

I keep thinking about that scene in Kill Bill, when Uma Thurman goes into the mountains to start her training. And she stands in front of that piece of wood as the first step. And she places her hand against the board, then pulls it back and punches. And she just keeps punching, touch and punch, touch and punch....until her hand is bloody. And she just keeps punching. And for some reason, visualizing that scene has helped me to center myself. I don't know why. Perhaps it is something I should discuss with a professional. For years, when I've been struggling with anxiety or the extreme emotional reactions that come with my PMS, I've tended to get into who I call 'repetitive thoughts'. I have no idea if this is an actual thing or not. I can clearly remember having a fight with a boyfriend when I was 23. I laid in my bed that night and thought, "He doesn't love me". And it made me cry. So I just laid there, thinking it over and ov...

I can't even tell anymore what week it is. My weight for February 7th is 211.5. I'm still moving in a downward direction just very slowly. I caught a cold two weeks ago, then we were snowed in last week....and it's just been very difficult. There is no real good excuse here. I got up to go to the gym this morning and the wipers on my car refused to turn off. So...that makes it challenging to go to the gym. We were unable to get to the store last week because of the ice. The house is a mess, I've lost my mojo and it's just hard. Sigh.

We are having the lowest temperatures North Texas has had in over 15 years. I had to work yesterday, but due to the strain on the power system, the library is closed today. Luckily, the child has been remarkably charming for being locked in the house for the second day in a row. A went out to the grocery store this morning, risking her life to provide my son with raisins. It has been extremely pleasant to be at home today. I emptied the dishwasher, put away some laundry, and changed the sheets on the bed. But mostly, I read books to my kid and watched stupid television. My diet is absolutely blown with the muffins we made and the soup I ate for lunch. Not to mention the complete lack of exercise this week.

Counts to 17. Is a picky eater, but cooperative enough to try a bite of anything. Is pottytrained, but can't quite button his own pants. is Generally cooperative and helpful. Still needs a nap in the afternoon. Is almost too big to carry around. Loves to help in the kitchen. Sleeps with a rotating cast of stuffed animals. Has a hard time settling down to sleep at bedtime. Loves being read to. Enjoys trucks, dinosaurs, race cars and Dora. Looked me in the face in the middle of the tantrum and asked me to help him. I asked him with what and he asked me to help him pull it together. When I asked him how I could help, he said, "do the breathing thing". So I looked him in the face and we took 10 deep breaths together so he could calm down. Apparently telling him to take deep breaths has internalized at some point. Loves hiding under a blanket while we pretend to look for him. Loves to wrestle and tickle with Daddy. Loves fruit and bread and cheese. Enjoys showers. loves d...

Wow! These titles are so creative! My third weigh in is at 213. It was not a great week on either the diet or exercise front. I walked at the gym for about 20 minutes twice last week. Then, while I stuck with the sugar and vegetable resolutions, I didn't do so well with my overall calories. I gave in to mayo on sandwiches several times. This week should be better. All I can do is keep trying. I never feel worse about my body then when I am working on improving it. I am sure there is an interesting psychological reason behind this, but I don't know what it is. When I am actively dieting, I look in the mirror and I feel disgusting. How could I be so fat? I roll over in the middle of the night and my stomach presses against my arm and I feel like the ugliest person in the world. However, when I am not focusing on my diet, I look in the mirror and I think, eh, that's not so bad. I always know I am overweight , but it seems so minor when I am not...

So I did my first weigh in and in week 1, I lost 4 pounds. I am finding it more challenging to eat less calories at home in a snow storm then I do at the office. So, I think it might have gone better if I hadn't eaten a little too much pasta standing over the sink on Sunday. Things I did right: I drank my water, I walked every other morning, and I took a tupperware container of veggies to work every day. I went out with Bethany on Saturday night, we went to a Italian restaurant and I only ordered the bruschetta and some potato soup. The soup was very creamy, so it was probably pretty high calorie, however it was a reasonable portion. I consider this a victory because I did not bury my face in a vat of chicken alfredo. It was still very satisfying, so I say it was a good choice. Things I failed at: Should have walked a bit more, and done better at portion control at home. Especially at the end of the week when we ran out of veggies. Next time we run out of fruit...

In October of 2009 I weighed 230 pounds. My job was offering a lunch hour Weight Watchers program at the office and they were picking up the tab for half of the cost. I joined and worked the program, which is basically just counting calories. I lost 35 pounds by March 2010. Then I dropped out. And slowly put a little back on at a time. On December 1st, 2010 I was back to 210. And then...I lost my mind and vacuumed up every potato chip, taco, coke and cookie in the entire state of Texas. On New Years Day I was 225 pounds. So here is the thing, I've never been thin. I am a librarian with a pretty sedentary lifestyle and a fear of vegetables. I don't even want to be thin. Here is what I want.....I want to be able to walk around Paris with my husband when I am forty. I want my clothes to fit. I don't want that hideous fat roll. And I want to be able to get off the floor to chase my 2 year old. I know that I can do it, I've done it before. It just takes paying attention to w...