Adventures in Rachel-land

You stood beside me in the rain this morning. Your fingers were warm in mine, your feet were splashing in the puddles of our driveway. I showed you how to tilt your head back to catch the rain in your mouth. And as we stood there, in the summer light, the look of joy on your face is something I'd like to remember forever. I won't. Life and busyness and the new discoveries we make together will replace this memory. But for now, I choose to cling to that moment. Cling to the moment where we threw our heads back and took in everything the day had to offer. Together.

Ledger is 17 months old now. That number has absolutely no significance to anything. It has just seemed in the last month or two, that when I look at him, I see a little boy, not a baby anymore. It's mostly the walking that does it, I think. Babies don't walk! Children walk! But it is also the talking and the laughing and the tantrums. Oh my, the laughing. He has started making funny faces and when we laugh, he just does it again and again and again. I was feeding him some yogurt this morning and he snatched it off the spoon with a big "Umph". And when I laughed he kept doing it, over and over, giggling the whole time. He loves his books. Boo! Boo! And he loves his balls and trucks. Yep, he's a little boy.....and it breaks my heart a little. My little boy.

It had to happen at some point, and yesterday it did. Ledger was headed towards the car and took a faceplant in the driveway. When I saw him face down not moving I knew he'd busted his face. I brought him inside, and by the time Barry brought out the hydrogen peroxide he was over it all. He sat there saying "GO, GO, GO" while we got him cleaned up. Today he woke up with a puffy black eye.

Does my new, 'post a blog from Google' function work? Even though it's been 8 months, I've changed jobs, houses, and my kid grew a couple of feet? Hey look, I just updated my blog in one sentence!

It is 3:00 on a Sunday afternoon. I am sitting in the office, and I can hear my boys snoring. Barry in one room and Ledger on the other side of me. Napping away the afternoon. Ledger cried when I put him down for a nap. Big, angry tears. I offered him his stuffed monkey, and he just shoved it away. This is new, he's been a good napper for a while now. But for the last couple of days, whenever we have put him down he's reacted like we suggested he lay down with vipers for a few minutes. Maybe its the runny nose bothering him, or maybe it's a new phase, but either way, we'll eventually come through it. I've been to church, we've all had lunch together and gone to the park. These are the days. The days that will be gone before I know it. The way Ledger laughs and laughs as we swing him at the park. The little dance he does in the bed when we come to get him after a nap. The bounce and reach when the bottle comes out. The smile of pri...

Today is my 28th birthday. Well, technically, yesterday was, but I am posting this on the morning of the 20th. I worked yesterday and then when I got home it was bottles and diapers and bed. Honestly, there is not a great difference between the day before the day before you turn 28 and the day after you turn 28. However, our society looks at beginnings (New Years, birthdays, anniversary's) as a time to examine where you are and where you have been. I am 28 years old. I am married, with one child. I am a librarian. It feels like I am coming out of a difficult phase. First I was pregnant and sick, and then I was pregnant and tired and then we were adjusting to a tiny screamy person and then I think it just took me a little while to adjust after the whole "birth trauma-postpartum-emotional" thing. I don't know, maybe this is just a break in the storm and tomorrow I'll feel bad and depressed again, but it really feels like I am coming out on the far side...

Time is passing by and we are so busy that I am not writing anything down. You are laughing and rolling around and I am not keeping track of it. You have had a tiny bowl of oatmeal before bed for three nights now. I want to remember this. Every new development is amazing and wonderful for your father and I. When you rolled over on your own, we jumped up and down and hugged each other. The thing is that every new thing gives way to the next new thing. You are bigger and smarter and more aware every day. Someday, in the not to distant future, all of this is going to be a fuzzy memory. I'll remember things, but certainly not everything. That makes me a tiny bit sad. But your father and I are soo excited to be able to watch you grow and develop and turn into a tiny little person. We love you.

I've been at work now for three and a half weeks. It's good. I love my job, and it is a pretty busy time right now as we move into summer time. As you will learn, summer is the busiest time of year for me. I come home every day exhausted. But I also come home every day feeling like I've made a difference. I see hundreds of children, and share fun and reading with them. I feel like I have a purpose and am a succesful professional during the summer. At first, it was good to be at the office, with grownups, being in 'my space'. As time goes on and every day, you get a little bigger, (12 pounds at your 2 month checkup, 24 inches), you get a little more interactive, a little more giggly, I get a little sadder about leaving you. I want to sit and hold you in the morning, I don't want to pop you into a car seat and drive you through traffic to Meme's house. She loves you sooo much and has so much fun with you. I couldn't be happier with where you spend your tim...

My mother came to stay for a few days this month. She is so good with you. She is patient, and endlessly competent. Clearly, I knew she was competent, she managed to raise me, after all, but I love watching her with you. She talks to you in this calm way, acting like you understand every word. Becoming a mother has forever changed my relationship with my own mother and my relationship with you will hopefully always be influenced by the amazing mother that I have been gifted with. Aunt Bethany also came to visit you. We have been friends for over 20 years now, I can hardly believe I have known any one for that long. She has been a constant friend and voice of reason for me, but has never really been a 'baby person'. She was so enamored with you, and it means the world to me for her to love you. I hope you will always have her in your life. I look at how lucky I am. Lucky to have beautiful, strong women in my life. My sister, my mother, Bethany, Julie. Women who have loved me, s...

It hasn't even been 4 weeks since we brought you home. And every day seems to be the same cycle of eat, sleep, poop but at the same time, every day you seem to change. You sleep a little bit less, you make a little more eye contact, your legs seem just a little chubbier. When we first brought you home, and you would get angry, you would put your arms up by your face like a boxer and just shake them. And sometimes, while you were sleeping, or particularly enjoying a meal, you would throw both your arms straight up over your head and wave them back and forth. Those newborn reflexes are already starting to disappear. And somehow I am stuck in this wierd place where i know the changes are good, and inevitable, but it still makes me a little bit sad to watch you grow out of them. And if I am this emotional about your newborn arm reflexes, just imagine how I am going to be when you learn to walk, or graduate from college. I want to write everything down. I want to remember the way your ...

You showed up three weeks late. Well, maybe not technically, but considering that I was so sure you were coming on Valentine's Day and decided to sit on the couch and wait for you, those three weeks really felt like you were dragging your feet. Even after I waited three weeks, you still didn't show any interest in exiting unless we gave you a little nudge. We checked into the hospital at 7:00 on Thursday, February 28th, 2008. That is 7:00 AM! On the way to the hospital, we stopped at Jack in the Box so your dad could have a delicous breakfast sandwich and I could hungrily watch him eat it. After we found our way to Labor and Delivery, the nurse asked 50 million questions and gave me an IV. It didn't really fill me with confidence when she didn't know how to use the 'num lock' on her computer, but she did seem to know what she was doing when it came to my health care. The doctor came in and broke my water, and encouraged me to walk up and down the hall to encoura...

You have to say that title in a big dramatic voice. "THE SUMMER OF THE MOVIE". We are average middle class people, and as such it is our duty to watch whatever drivel Hollywood chooses to throw at us throughout the long hot summer. Actually, it is going to be a very long, busy, insane summer, and the way we are going to cope is through the joy of the cinema. So, here is the rundown of all the movies we are going to see: No Reservations, Georgia Rule, Shrek 3, Fantastic 4, Harry Potter 5, Pirates of the Carribean, Knocked Up, Hairspray, The Ex, Die Hard 4, Rush Hour, LUcky You, Mr. Brooks, Oceans 13, Transformers, Bourne, License to Wed. I count that as 17 movies. I think it is doable. We watched Georgia Rule (3 stars), pirates (4 stars), and just this weekend, Knocked Up, which I also enjoyed. So, three down, 14 to go. I have a very low standard for an enjoyable movie, so I'm thinking it won't be hard to have more good ones than bad on the list by th...

Eh. So, I'm a third of the way through the year, and really, the goals are getting...well...low on the priority list. I'm busy living my life, loving my new husband, and watching way tooo much TV.

1. 175 pounds - I lost 10 pounds this month, but I'm not really that much closer to the goal. I continually recommit to this goal. 2. Pay off debt - I'm still paying on it. It's frustrating because it is hard to see any progress, but I know it is happening. 3. Leave the country (twice) -No progress, but if something has to give on this list, I think this is going to be the one. 4. Work on Career - Good, good things are happening. Most days I feel like I am making real progress. 5. Visit 3 museums - One down!! We went to an exhibit at the Dallas Museum of Art, and we are planning another trip this month. 6. Treat my husband with respect - It's hard! But we are working on our relationship every day and the return on that investment is huge for me. 7. Take a class - This hasn't made a lot of progress, but I'm hoping to take a class this summer. 8. Decorate Two Rooms - Um...I didn't do anything more on this in March. But I'm on it. Really. Maybe....

Well, I did it. I finally accomplished one of my most concrete goals for the year. Well, almost. Well, actually about a third of the way. But the point is I went to a museum. My husband and I drove over to Dallas last weekend to see the new Matisse exhibit at the Dallas Museum of Art. It was VERY crowded, and the line to buy tickets was unending, so we just started to wander around the regular exhibit. This tiny little docent promptly stopped us and asked to see our tickets. When we told her we didn't have any, she made us head back to the front of the museum. Can you imagine? I always thought those people were standing around to make sure no one stole or damaged the art, but it turns out they are also there to make sure no one steals free peeks at the Jackson Pollack. So we bought tickets and paid the extra money to get into the Matisse show. Which was very interesting, but we spent more time in the modern art section. Barry finds these things a little boring, but there was this o...

While it can be cool, it can also be very frustrating to have your mental and emotional health and well being completely wrapped around the physical well being of another human being. Who you can't control. For example, if your husband wants to jump out of a plane without a parachute, there is nothing you can do to stop him. Or if your husband wants to eat hamburgers for dinner every night and get bigger and bigger and completely disregard his family history of heart attacks and will not go to the gym or a walk around the neighborhood with you even though he clearly said that he would. And somehow blames daylight savings time for his inability to exercise . Frustrating.

I get restless, or maybe I'm just bored. For as long as I can remember, approximately every 3 months, something has to change. I haven't overly analyzed why this might be. Rather than assuming that it has to do with some defect in my childhood, I'm just going to go with boredom as the cause. This particular aspect of my personality is what caused me to quit my job while I was in college, or break up with a boyfriend, or drop out of school for a semester. Every time I have colored my hair a bizarre shade has been a direct result of that "something must change" urge. The problem is that now I am married, so changing boyfriends isn't really going to cut it. And I have a mortgage and a car payment, so I can't exactly just quit my job. And I'm a professional woman, so drastically changing my appearance is not as easy as it once was. A tattoo? Probably not. The point is that as I get older, that need for change is getting harder and ...

March Update 1. 175 pounds - I haven't lost anything, but I have started going to the gym 5 times a week. And I know that it works. 2. Pay off debt - This isn't very exciting to say I have been paying regularly. All I can do is keep going. I had to buy a new car when my beloved Kelly died, so it is going to set us back a bit. At this point we have adjusted the goal to having half the debt paid off. 3. Leave the country (twice) - I'm still hopeful but this goal is directly at odds with the previous one. And if I have to choose, I definitely am more commited to goal #2. 4. Work on Career - No committee work has actually come through, but I have made some positive steps with my boss. The goal for March is to present a more professional image at the office. Giggle less and wear suits more. 5. Visit 3 museums - No museums in February either, however, I'm justified in that it was a short month. We do plan to attend a Matisse exhibit next weekend, so I'm still working on t...

February Update: Well, 1/12th of my year is gone. Let's see how I am doing. 1. 175 pounds - Well, um. Let' s just say that this wasn't a priority in the last month, but I know it will be soon. I bought a big water bottle, I signed up for a walking challenge, and I registered for a produce bulk buying program. I am well on my way to making February a healthy month. 2. Pay off debt - The tax check wasn't as large as I would have hoped. I have continued paying aggressively and have consolidated so that I am not paying more than 4% interest. I'm making solid progress on this one. 3. Leave the country (twice) -I've been doing research and trying to stash a little money without sacrificing goal #2. I'm going to have to start looking into the best way to travel cheap. 4. Work on Career - I've been agressive on this one as well. I've volunteered for several things at work, and signed up for some professional development and committee work. 5. ...

January 27th, 2007. I got married. I held the hands of the man I love and promised to love him forever. It was the best day of my life. Our families were there, I wasn't stressed about anything. For someone who uses my words incessantly, it is rare when I don't have words to describe something. But there are no words to adequately express my joy. My joy for having a teamate to walk beside me for the rest of our lives. My joy for having a family who so deeply shares my triumphs. My joy for friends who are absolutely positively behind me, no matter what. There just aren't words. So.....pictures. Now on to the rest of our lives.