Adventures in Rachel-land

2012 Goals

2011-12-31T12:31:00.000-08:00

2012 Goals

1. Try not to complain about Barry’s behavior in nonproductive ways. Ask for what I need (please come watch TV with me) not complain about what he does (you never hang out with me). Make no comments that denigrate who he is. No shreeker monkey.

2. Give up sugar.
I want to just not eat any candy, cookies, or SODA until I weigh less than 200 lbs.

3. Attend a professional sporting event. (also with the boys)

4. Try 24 new vegetables.

5. Read 50 NEW (not rereads) books. (at least 10 adult, at least 5 "classics", 100 total books).

6. Write a letter once a month.

7. Once a month socializing with someone not related to me.

8. Do a 5k.

9. Read a book with Ledger every single day.
If he is gone at Grandma’s for over 24 hours that I fine, but if I see him I want to read to him. This is slipping in our routine because I am tired, and I don’t want it to.

10. Go somewhere overnight alone. Breathe deeply.

11. Don’t spend any money in January. Or the rest of the year.
Abigail will buy groceries, I will pay the bills, and Barry has agreed to fill my car with gas. I’m gonna put my debit/credit cards away. We need to tighten up eating out and groceries. With credit cards, bank loans, car loans, and student loans we are almost $40,000 in debt. I want that to be less than $20,000 one year from today. This is doable if nothing goes wrong, and that’s totally possible, right?

12. Paint Ledger’s room.

13. DO one nice thing for Barry every week. Work on strengthening my marriage with less talking. Do it without expecting gratitude.

14. Go Camping! (with the boys)

15. Try 3 new exercises. (activities like yoga, not exercises like squats or something)

16. Organize an area or room and make a box for goodwill every month. Hopefully this will make my home less cluttered.

17. Invite a new friend out to lunch.

18. Help a stranger once a month. If I don’t have time to volunteer at the pantry, I can still donate something, pay for someone’s lunch, pick up trash, etc.

I want to expand my world this year. Barry, Ledger, my health, and my job are important parts of my life, but it feels like I’ve closed off a bit this year. He’s getting bigger. New people, new things, new ideas….broadening.

2011 Goals, revisited

2011-12-31T11:34:00.000-08:00

My 2011 list was largely a failure. I did not do more than I did. I’m still glad I did it though. I printed the list and hung it in the bathroom, and that really contributed to me not forgetting completely about this by Feburary 1st. It was good to have goals and directions, and I’m definitely planning on making another list for 2012. One that I will hopefully accomplish more fully.

1. Weigh less than 200lbs for the majority of the year, but definitely the last quarter.
Fail. I got down to 203 and then lost my fool mind. I paid attention and worked on it though and am pretty proud of how I did.

2. Give up processed sweets for three months (jan-mar)
partial. I did not have processed sweet for three months, but it was every other month, not three in a row. Very, very good for me and something I’m gonna do again.

3. Eat a vegetable every day.
Fail. I did well for awhile, but fell apart as the year went on. However, glad I did it, I definitely ate more vegetables this year than I have in the past, so YAY.

4. Earn at least 9 college credits.
Partial. I earned four.

5. See at least 2 live theater presentations.
YES! One I completed. Barry took me to see a local college production of Oklahoma, and then we saw Blue Man Group in Vegas. Very happy.

6. Leave the state for vacation.
YES! Went to Vegas for a week with my husband.

7. Wear lipstick at least once a month.
Fail. But I did it several times, and it always made me feel good.

8. Read 50 books. (at least 10 adult, at least 5 "classics")
Partial. I read 95 books, but only 2 classics. (Pride and Prejudice and Candide). Quite a few rereads and several nonfiction.

9. Write in a journal every week. (or here, whatever)
No. Fail. Fail. Fail.

10. Exercise every week. This is not to say that once a week is enough, but I definitely do not want more than a week to go by without some exercise. That is how we get to months without.
Fail.

11. Do 2 5ks.
Partial. I only did one but I’m very proud I went out and did it alone.

12. Learn to ride a bike.
Yes.

13. Organize our digital pictures.
Yes.

14. Host 2 parties at our home.
Not Really. We had people over for the holidays and for ledgers birthday, but did not fulfill the spirit of the goal, which really should have read, “make some friends”

15. Pay off 25% of consumer debt. This does NOT include car, house, and student loan. It does include the bank loan and the credit card debt.
Partial. Technically we did, but we took out a loan for a new roof, took a trip to vegas, and found out we owe the IRS $3000. So the credit cards are lower, but now the car loan and the IRS debt make our total debt greater. Boo.

16. Purchase a laptop with real money, not on credit.
Yes! I bought a tablet with Barry’s midyear bonus. Love.

17. Purchase 2 nice work outfits.
Yes. New work clothes.

18. Do 3 decorative things to our home. Could be paint, curtains, hang something on the walls, etc.
Technically yes, but once again, did not improve my home as much as I wanted.

19. Be kind to my spouse. Not as focused a goal, but definitely worthwhile.
No. We did a little counseling, and we did some date nights, but the net goal of kindness was not achieved throughout the year.

20. Watch Ledger try an organised sport. Doesn't have to succeed or continue, but would like him to try this year.
Yes! Soccer. It was…not good. He was really to young. And I am scarred for life.

21. Take Ledger to an art museum.
Yes! A nice Sunday afternoon at the Kimbell with Aunt Patty and Greg was a worthwhile way to spend some time. Good.

22. Volunteer with Ledger.
No. He was too young for this, but he did witness me volunteering and also helped gather donations for the less fortunate.

23. Grow something.
No. Stupid dead plants.

24. Make something creative.
Yes! I made superhero capes! Which he refuses to wear! But I made them!

25. Hike through River Legacy with my boys.
Yes! And it was hot, and I was miserable and they loved it.

So, eleven out of twenty-five. That’s a failing grade. But I worked on lots of stuff and I worked 40 hours a week, and read books with my son, and sat in church most Sunday mornings.

Happier? Not really, probably about the same.
Richer? HAHAHA! No.
Thinner? Yes. But barely.
Proud of myself? Absolutely.

2011 Goals, revisited

2011-07-06T14:04:00.000-07:00

It is now halfway through the year, and a good time for an update on my 2011 goals.
1. Weigh less than 200lbs for the majority of the year, but definitely the last quarter. Well, I’ve made good progress here. Today I am at 204, but I know I can meet this one.
2. Give up processed sweets for three months (jan-mar) Done! I actually skipped a couple months, but I did give up sweets for three months, Jan/mar/may.
3. Eat a vegetable every day. I wouldn’t say I’m 100% on this, but I am definitely, consistently, working at it. I’m gonna give myself a check mark here and keep at it. In fact, I’m eating broccoli at my desk right now!
4. Earn at least 9 college credits. Earned 4 credits, probably 4 more in the fall. Not perfect but close.
5. See at least 2 live theater presentations. 50% completion rate, saw Oklahoma, still working on it.
6. Leave the state for vacation. Planning a trip for October, although technically we drove through Arkansas last weekend, so…..DONE.
7. Wear lipstick at least once a month. A good goal and I am doing good, just got to stick with it.
8. Read 50 books. (at least 10 adult, at least 5 "classics") Done! Read 50 books. Need to focus on ‘classics’ in the second half of the year.
9. Write in a journal every week. (or here, whatever) Fail! Fail, fail, fail. Just can’t prioritize the time for this. Gonna take it off the list.
10. Exercise every week. This is not to say that once a week is enough, but I definitely do not want more than a week to go by without some exercise. That is how we get to months without. And I started to slip some in May, but was doing good up till then. The heat is a REAL issue, but I’m working on this one.
11. Do 2 5ks. 50% , finished one, will do another in the fall when it cools down.
12. Learn to ride a bike. Done! Apparently you don’t forget! I hope to do more of this when it cools down again.
13. Organize our digital pictures. I’ve done nothing on this one.
14. Host 2 parties at our home. I’m gonna count Ledger’s birthday party, which is probably not technically fair, but…yay! 50%
15. Pay off 25% of consumer debt. This does NOT include car, house, and student loan. It does include the bank loan and the credit card debt. I don’t know. I’m afraid to look. We are working on this one.
16. Purchase a laptop with real money, not on credit. Nope.
17. Purchase 2 nice work outfits. 50%, spent some money in may on nice clothes, now I just have to keep it up.
18. Do 3 decorative things to our home. Could be paint, curtains, hang something on the walls, etc. Nope.
19. Be kind to my spouse. Not as focused a goal, but definitely worthwhile. Nope, but it’s good to keep it on the list.
20. Watch Ledger try an organised sport. Doesn't have to succeed or continue, but would like him to try this year. Signed up for fall soccer, so not technically completed, we are on track.
21. Take Ledger to an art museum. We’ve done some science museums, but still need to hit DMA.
22. Volunteer with Ledger. Nope.
23. Grow something. Nope.
24. Make something creative. Nope.
25. Hike through River Legacy with my boys. Yes! Yay. It was hot, and hot, and I was sweaty, but we did this as a family.

That’s not actually great odds, but at least I’ve done some of them, right? Now I can reprint the list and try again.

So, So Lucky

2011-06-11T13:14:00.000-07:00

From the other room I hear him telling his father, “I’ll do it myself”. I come into the bathroom to see them in the shower. Ledger is holding the sponge while Barry stands there, patiently instructing him. “hey buddy, you forgot the back of your arm”.

I come home from work to find them in a blanket fort, laughing hysterically.

We go to the pool and he clings to his father, completely trusting him to keep him safe. He jumps off the side into his father’s arms, comes up sputtering, but smiling.

I turn into the driveway to see him pedaling towards me, propped up on pillows so his feet can reach the pedals. His father beaming behind him.

We go to a festival and I look over at them. Ledger beaming up on his shoulders. My husband is literally bearing the burden of him.

He heads off to work in the morning, but before he goes, he picks him up. My giant baby, whose feet hang halfway to the floor. He picks him up and holds him so close, and so tight that I know Ledger will be able to feel that hug all day.

I always think of myself as the ‘better’ parent. I’m the one who reads the books. I’m the one who worries about schedules. I’m the one who researches and creates a plan for potty training or preschool or family outings. I’m the one who cleans his room, buys his clothes, makes his doctor appointments, and worries about his nutritional intake. But that is wrong, I'm not better, I'm just different. We have different strengths.

He’s the fun one. The one who laughs. The realistic one. The one who tells me to take a deep breath. The one who plays tackle and tickle. He’s the one who bathes him, scrubbing at his face while making a silly sound to distract him. The one who literally carries him when he can’t carry himself. He is playful and stern. He is so, so loving and affectionate.

We could both me more patient, more engaged, more patient. But what he does….the father he is….we are both so incredibly, incredibly lucky.

The K is for Killing Me

2011-05-07T15:51:00.000-07:00

So I participated in a 5K today. I couldn’t get anyone to come with me so I did it alone. You know not alone, but without anyone I knew. And about 20 seconds in I thought, “oh crap, this was stupid.” But, I also decided that as long as I continued to move in a positive direction and they weren’t gathering up the safety cones behind me, I was winning. So I did it. I wasn’t at the end of the line, but I was certainly close to the end. But I finished, without falling down. It was 8:52 as I headed back to my car. So, I walked/jogged 5 kilometers in under an hour. And now my goal time should be laughably easy to beat. The next 5K goal will be to finish in less than 45 minutes. I need to work on a plan that will allow me to accomplish that goal. In the meantime, here is my list of excuses for why I did so poorly today.

1. I was ALONE. Everyone knows hard things are harder without support.
2. The little old ladies (literally) and mama’s carrying babies who passed me were probably using performance enhancing drugs.
3. I was running with a light backpack on that held the things I needed, if I could have left them with someone it might have been easier. (see excuse #1). So I started my ‘race’ with my keys, cell phone, sunglasses, a bottle of water, and…a…book (blushing) on my back. I dumped out the water about 1 mile in.
4. My gluteus maximum was sore from riding my bike (first time in 12 years) the day before.
5. I failed to eat a nutritious breakfast beforehand.
6. And the final, probably only valid excuse: I am so out of shape.

Then I went home, showered, took Ledger to the park, and then came into work for a few hours.

I’m not sure I can move. Happy Mother’s Day to me.

Updates

2011-04-27T04:45:00.000-07:00

Weight Update: After getting down to 201, I had a delicious Easter and am currently at 203. This is going to be my week though, I just know it.

Ledger Update: Thinks he is in charge of the world and gets pretty upset when you don't agree. Yesterday I asked him to come upstairs with me, but he wanted me to walk a specific way. When I didn't bend to his whims, he started a screaming fit. (FUN!) I sent him to his room until he could calm down, but he threw himself on the ground and screamed "NEVER". It is hard not to laugh when he hollers as though he is defending Scotland.

Work Update: Sigh. I need to find a way to make my peace with it or change it. This spot I'm in where I just let it suck me into crabbiness is no good. Maybe my vacation in may will help. Maybe getting back up to full staff in June will help. Maybe winning the lottery will help.

Exercise Update: Not doing as well, I think I got bored with the walking track. I've been reading on the treadmill at an incline the last couple visits to the gym and that has been pretty simple. Does that mean it isn't working?

Goal List Update: I am halfway through the 50 books I wanted to read and am well on my way to making an out of state trip happen. I have obviously failed the journaling weekly goal, but am making progress on everything else.

Off to make lunches for my children.

Exercise

2011-03-23T10:45:00.000-07:00

I've been going to the rec center 2 - 3 times a week since the beginning of the year. I go upstairs to the walking track. I walk a lap, run a lap, walk a lap. Then I use the hydraulic weight machines, running one and walking one lap in between each machines. I do 15 reps on each machine. The running track takes 16 laps for a mile. With eight machines and two laps between machines, I always get to a mile and a half, and most of the time to 2 miles.

I want to run longer, do more resistance on the machines, and add more laps, but it feels good to be making progress.

Weight Update: 3/23/11 206 pounds

Does that make me crazy?

2011-02-12T18:27:00.000-08:00

I keep thinking about that scene in Kill Bill, when Uma Thurmann goes into the mountains to start her training. And she stands in front of that piece of wood as the first step. And she places her hand against the board, then pulls it back and punches. And she just keeps punching, touch and punch, touch and punch....until her hand is bloody. And she just keeps punching. And for some reason, visualizing that scene has helped me to center myself. I don't know why. Perhaps it is something I should discuss with a professional.

For years, when I've been struggling with anxiety or the extreme emotional reactions that come with my PMS, I've tended to get into who I call 'repetitive thoughts'. I have no idea if this is an actual thing or not. I can clearly remember having a fight with a boyfriend when I was 23. I laid in my bed that night and thought, "He doesn't love me". And it made me cry. So I just laid there, thinking it over and over, he doesn't love me, he doesn't love me, he doesn't love me. When I get upset, usually irrationally so, I just can't stop repeating whatever thought is hurting me. "i hate this life, i hate this life, i hate this life. And I know it only makes things worse. And I take deep breaths. And try to focus on something else. And then my brain relaxes and I spin back over and start repeating the destructive thought.

For whatever reason, the mental image of hitting that board over and over stops the repetitive thought. And I visualize myself lining up my hand and calmly punching. Over and over. I can almost feel the wood hit my knuckles. And then I can break the cycle and move on to something else. Something not destructive.

I don't know why it works. Or if it will work for long. Or if it means I'm crazy nutso. But it helps.

Bigges Blogging Loser Week Whatever

2011-02-07T12:27:00.000-08:00

I can't even tell anymore what week it is. My weight for February 7th is 211.5. I'm still moving in a downward direction just very slowly. I caught a cold two weeks ago, then we were snowed in last week....and it's just been very difficult. There is no real good excuse here. I got up to go to the gym this morning and the wipers on my car refused to turn off. So...that makes it challenging to go to the gym. We were unable to get to the store last week because of the ice. The house is a mess, I've lost my mojo and it's just hard.

Sigh.

C C C Cold

2011-02-02T14:05:00.000-08:00

We are having the lowest temperatures North Texas has had in over 15 years. I had to work yesterday, but due to the strain on the power system, the library is closed today. Luckily, the child has been remarkably charming for being locked in the house for the second day in a row. A went out to the grocery store this morning, risking her life to provide my son with raisins. It has been extremely pleasant to be at home today. I emptied the dishwasher, put away some laundry, and changed the sheets on the bed. But mostly, I read books to my kid and watched stupid television. My diet is absolutely blown with the muffins we made and the soup I ate for lunch. Not to mention the complete lack of exercise this week.

My Almost Three Year Old

2011-01-18T18:44:00.000-08:00

Counts to 17.
Is a picky eater, but cooperative enough to try a bite of anything.
Is pottytrained, but can't quite button his own pants.
is Generally cooperative and helpful.
Still needs a nap in the afternoon.
Is almost too big to carry around.
Loves to help in the kitchen.
Sleeps with a rotating cast of stuffed animals.
Has a hard time settling down to sleep at bedtime.
Loves being read to.
Enjoys trucks, dinosaurs, race cars and Dora.
Looked me in the face in the middle of the tantrum and asked me to help him. I asked him with what and he asked me to help him pull it together. When I asked him how I could help, he said, "do the breathing thing". So I looked him in the face and we took 10 deep breaths together so he could calm down. Apparently telling him to take deep breaths has internalized at some point.
Loves hiding under a blanket while we pretend to look for him.
Loves to wrestle and tickle with Daddy.
Loves fruit and bread and cheese.
Enjoys showers.
loves daddy and mama and mimi.
says a prayer every day where he thanks god for poop, basketball, and mimi.
is willing to give kisses at bedtime, he is generally resistant to hugs.
Hangs out with Aunt Abigail during the day.
is pretty shy around new people.
Is smart and handsome and soo funny.
is a gift.

Biggest Blogging Loser Week 3

2011-01-18T03:51:00.000-08:00

Wow! These titles are so creative!

My third weigh in is at 213. It was not a great week on either the diet or exercise front. I walked at the gym for about 20 minutes twice last week. Then, while I stuck with the sugar and vegetable resolutions, I didn't do so well with my overall calories. I gave in to mayo on sandwiches several times. This week should be better. All I can do is keep trying.

I never feel worse about my body then when I am working on improving it. I am sure there is an interesting psychological reason behind this, but I don't know what it is. When I am actively dieting, I look in the mirror and I feel disgusting. How could I be so fat? I roll over in the middle of the night and my stomach presses against my arm and I feel like the ugliest person in the world. However, when I am not focusing on my diet, I look in the mirror and I think, eh, that's not so bad. I always know I am overweight, but it seems so minor when I am not focused on it. It's important for me to get healthier. I know this. But psychologically, being on a diet is not good for my self image. It's strange.

Pressing on. This week I am going to try to exercise every day and really focus on those calories. I also need to work on not completely losing it on the weekend.

Biggest Blogging Loser Week 2!

2011-01-12T14:50:00.000-08:00

So I did my first weigh in and in week 1, I lost 4 pounds. I am finding it more challenging to eat less calories at home in a snow storm then I do at the office. So, I think it might have gone better if I hadn't eaten a little too much pasta standing over the sink on Sunday.

Things I did right: I drank my water, I walked every other morning, and I took a tupperware container of veggies to work every day. I went out with Bethany on Saturday night, we went to a Italian restaurant and I only ordered the bruschetta and some potato soup. The soup was very creamy, so it was probably pretty high calorie, however it was a reasonable portion. I consider this a victory because I did not bury my face in a vat of chicken alfredo. It was still very satisfying, so I say it was a good choice.

Things I failed at: Should have walked a bit more, and done better at portion control at home. Especially at the end of the week when we ran out of veggies. Next time we run out of fruits and veggies, I need to make a grocery run. I did ask Abigail to buy more this week, but what seems to be happening is that when I eat fruits and veggies, then Barry and Ledger want to eat them as well. Resulting in net less veggies available.

January 10th, 2010 - 216 pounds.

Biggest Blogging Loser

2011-01-07T17:43:00.001-08:00

In October of 2009 I weighed 230 pounds. My job was offering a lunch hour Weight Watchers program at the office and they were picking up the tab for half of the cost. I joined and worked the program, which is basically just counting calories. I lost 35 pounds by March 2010. Then I dropped out. And slowly put a little back on at a time.

On December 1st, 2010 I was back to 210. And then...I lost my mind and vacuumed up every potato chip, taco, coke and cookie in the entire state of Texas. On New Years Day I was 225 pounds.

So here is the thing, I've never been thin. I am a librarian with a pretty sedentary lifestyle and a fear of vegetables. I don't even want to be thin. Here is what I want.....I want to be able to walk around Paris with my husband when I am forty. I want my clothes to fit. I don't want that hideous fat roll. And I want to be able to get off the floor to chase my 2 year old.

I know that I can do it, I've done it before. It just takes paying attention to what I eat for awhile and moving my body more on purpose. So here is what I am doing.
1. I gave up all processed sugars for the 3 months of the contest. COKES! cookies, candy,
2. I am adding vegetables, trying to eat two servings a day.
3. I am doing some form of exercise 3 times a week. Right now it is a walk, but I hope to improve the value of the work over the next few weeks.
4. I am doing the biggest blogging loser contest to give me some motivation.

Here is what I am not doing:
1. I am not giving up dinner with my family. My sister cooks our dinners, so it is usually kid appropriate, which usually includes a normal level of cheese, sour cream, or bread. So I try to keep my portions small and do really well for the rest of the day.

I want to be strong. I want to be healthy. And I really want to be a good example to my son. So here we go.

Kids are Awesome

2011-01-07T10:21:00.001-08:00

I had a whole post planned for today on my 'almost three year old'. However, I would like to put that off for a day and instead focus on why my son has lost his mind.

He 2 and 10 months and has gone from being a charming EASY child to a whining monster. And none of it makes sense or can be watched out for. I left the bedroom before him and that is cause for panicked screaming about me leaving him. I pick him up, tell him to take a breath and we move on. I gave him the round bread instead of the square bread and that is cause to sink to the floor screaming and crying. I pick him up, tell him to take a breath and the screaming continues. I send him to his quiet spot on the stairs. Now, the stairs come down right into the very open kitchen/living space. He is not being isolated. He can see me. This causes a screaming meltdown. I sit beside him, we talk about it, we move on. I take a BITE, one bite, of my bread and he starts to scream. I ask him whats wrong and all I get is some garbled mess about how he doesn't want me to eat before him. Okay, I'm trying to be patient and supportive of his emotional development. However, I'm gonna draw the line at allowing the child to dictate the sequence in which I eat my breakfast. Back to the steps to calm down. We repeat this cycle, the crisis, the crying, the calming, about 10 times before I go to work.

What the frick? I keep thinking he must be in some sort of physical pain or something. I don't know what to do, really. We aren't being tremendously consistent with him about it. Screaming that doesn't stop is 'disciplined' , but his crying/fussing is not really responded to the same way every time. I sometimes pick him up and sit with him on my lap until he stops, his father tends to snap at him or send him to the steps, and I try various consequences along the way. My reaction varies depending on what else I am trying to do at the moment, or how much time I have, or just based on my analysis of the legitimacy of the complaint. "I fell down" or I wanted to peel my own orange" gets a bit more tenderness than "I didn't want the refriderator closed" or "I don't like your shirt". Would a more consistent approach help or do we just power through and it will be over when it is over?

The tantrums are generally short lived, he doesn't hit/slap/bite, and we have the time and flexibility to address it. So I know it could be so. much. worse. It's just wearying.

SUGAR

2011-01-03T18:22:00.001-08:00

To the person who thought they needed to bring peppermint flavored chocolate covered pretzels to the staff workroom today....I stick my tongue out at you.

Will power. It's relatively easy on the first day, check back with me on the 10th.

Financial Goals

2010-12-30T18:25:00.000-08:00

A little bit more about that debt goal. We currently have 13833$ in credit card / loan debt. It is all low interest, but is sucking up $500 a month of our money. Obviously I would like ALL of that debt to be gone by the end of the year, but I don't know if that is possible. The goal for the year is to get it down to under $10,000. I'm gonna set the other financial goals, the laptop and investment clothing, aside and buckle down until we get that goal met. Totally doable, right?

Goals for 2011

2010-12-30T10:50:00.000-08:00

Weigh less than 200lbs for the majority of the year, but definitely the last quarter.
Give up processed sweets for three months (jan-mar)
Eat a vegetable every day.
Earn at least 9 college credits.
See at least 2 live theater presentations.
Leave the state for vacation.
Wear lipstick at least once a month.
Read 50 books. (at least 10 adult, at least 5 "classics")
Write in a journal every week. (or here, whatever)
Exercise every week. This is not to say that once a week is enough, but I definitely do not want more than a week to go by without some exercise. That is how we get to months without.
Do 2 5ks.
Learn to ride a bike.
Organize our digital pictures.
Host 2 parties at our home.
Pay off 25% of consumer debt. This does NOT include car, house, and student loan. It does include the bank loan and the credit card debt.
Purchase a laptop with real money, not on credit.
Purchase 2 nice work outfits.
Do 3 decorative things to our home. Could be paint, curtains, hang something on the walls, etc.
Be kind to my spouse. Not as focused a goal, but definitely worthwhile.
Watch Ledger try an organised sport. Doesn't have to succeed or continue, but would like him to try this year.
Take Ledger to an art museum.
Volunteer with Ledger.
Grow something.
Make something creative.
Hike through River Legacy with my boys.

T-shirt and Jeans

2010-12-11T13:53:00.000-08:00

His father tells him to give me a kiss and hug goodbye. I feel his lips brush the side of my leg as he runs by me. "I'm going with Daddy" he shouts, "BYE!" His white t-shirt is fluttering and he is holding a half-eaten biscuit in his hand. "Hey, wait! Give me a hug!"

He's almost three years old and my baby is gone. A big boy in t-shirt and jeans is off to conquer the world.

APRIL???

2010-04-05T10:13:00.001-07:00

Monthly goals for April:

1. Find good childcare for my son. The situation at his daycare has not been ideal, so I gave 30 days notice. I now have 25 days to line something up. This is not negotiable.

2. Do better for my family in the areas of clutter control and meal planning. I bear most of the burden in these areas for my family. And this month, I am committed to doing a kick-ass job. There is no real reason that I can't do better, unless you count bad TV and my facebook addiction.

I am going to walk two 5ks, find childcare for my son, and create doable healthy meal plans for my family. It's gonna be a good month. Go April.

March Goals

2010-03-05T10:41:00.001-08:00

Ooh, look! It's still the first week of March and I'm getting around to writing down my goals! Go me! I'm getting better.

1. Run 5 minutes without stopping. Wait....by run I mean jog, of course. I got winded singing the jumping song with toddlers this morning, so this goal needs a dedicated plan to execute.

2. Do better with meal planning! Nothing happens if I don't have a plan.

3. Get Ledger out to a museum already.

My almost Two Year Old

2010-02-11T11:44:00.001-08:00

My almost 2 year old:

Can count to ten, only forgetting three every once and awhile.
Can do 'this little piggie' all by himself.
Frequently acts clingy when I get home from work, causing him to follow me around the house crying, "Mama!" while I snap at him to give me just a second.
Loves YO GABBA GABBA!
loves listening to me read, at the moment the favorite is "Danny and the Dinosaur"
eats well in the morning, but not so great at dinner.
Loves 'mama bread' and buhbuhs (blueberries).....also black buhbuhs.
Sings the alphabet song poorly but enthusiastically.
has mostly abandoned the shower, preferring BAF! with Daddy.
asks to sit on the potty and occasionally is succesful, but this is mostly just a ploy to get me to read "DANNY DINOSAUR MAMA"
has settled into the two year old class at school, after a rough couple of weeks.
Loves to 'trow high'
Enjoys his blocks, but really wants us to help him with them. "you hold, mama"
still sleeps in a crib with a sucky.
uses a cup admirably well (with occasional messes).
loves to color, asking for 'pencil and canuts" (crayons).
Loves to bounce on the couch, fall on top of daddy, and run outside.
Loves his Meme mindlessly and asks for her daily. He likes to call her on Skype.
asks me to read "i love you through and through" every night for bedtime.
knows how to complete all his puzzles, but pretends not to and finds that joke hysterical.
finds a way to delight his father and I every single day.
knows most of his colors, still gets blue/green confused occasionally and has only the vaguest distinction between black and brown.
Likes to say goodbye to inantimate objects, 'bye blocks, bye shoes, bye daddy'
Can say 'sorry' without prompting when someone gets kicked.
Is the best thing that ever happened to me.

New Years Resolutions

2010-01-05T12:51:00.001-08:00

My new years resolution is to make monthly goals. The plan is to end 2010 stronger than I am today, physically, emotionally and financially. I'm making goals each month to lead me that way. Let's see how this goes. Here are the goals for January.

1. Do one cultural thing. (play museum, etc)
2. Do something active every day.
3. Do one social thing with someone who isn't Julie. Julie doesn't count, too easy.

2010

2009-12-29T18:32:00.001-08:00

I've been thinking a lot about the upcoming year, and quite a bit about the one we just finished. It's a natural thing to do, if not always helpful. Here's what I want in 2010.

I want nothing to happen. No job changes, no moving, no life changes. No family deaths, no horrible accidents. Here's what the last 5 years have looked like.

2005 - bought a house
2006 - got engaged, sold a house, moved
2007 - got married, got pregnant
2008 - had a baby, changed jobs
2009- sold a house, bought a house

A year from now, I want to be posting to my blog that nothing happened this year. I want to spend 2010 going to work, loving my family, and taking big deep breaths. No stressful life changes!

Bring it on, 2010. We are ready.

I can....

2009-12-29T12:09:00.001-08:00

I can......

be stronger. Physically, emotionally, spiritually.

be more gracious with my husband. We (I) get caught up in how much love he has shown me, carefully doling out the exact same amount of kindness. I can give more and not measure the return quite so carefully.

be more patient with my son.

make more effort to make connections. Email the friends I've allowed to drift away. Invite the new friend out for a drink.

show my love and concern in more tangible ways. Give a gift. Drop a note....take the time.

stop and be quiet. Listen to my spirit...still my restless thoughts.

I can.

Test

2009-12-25T18:00:00.001-08:00

Test

Grass Stains

2009-09-03T12:44:00.001-07:00

I lay on my back in the grass on Aunt Julie's front lawn, satisfactorily tired. You roamed the yard, stretching your legs after being horribly trapped in your stroller while we exercised. I tried to keep one eye on you while still trying to give some enthusiasm to my crunches. I called you towards me and away from the street that was beckoning. You lurched towards me in that way you do when you are moving faster than your body can catch up. You collapse on my chest, laughing. I lift you straight up in the air and you giggle. I have no doubt that when I am 85, sitting in a retirement pod, these are going to be what I am recounting as the best moments of my life.

Rain Drops

2009-08-01T10:30:00.001-07:00

You stood beside me in the rain this morning. Your fingers were warm in mine, your feet were splashing in the puddles of our driveway. I showed you how to tilt your head back to catch the rain in your mouth. And as we stood there, in the summer light, the look of joy on your face is something I'd like to remember forever. I won't. Life and busyness and the new discoveries we make together will replace this memory. But for now, I choose to cling to that moment. Cling to the moment where we threw our heads back and took in everything the day had to offer. Together.

17 Months

2009-07-29T09:22:00.001-07:00

Ledger is 17 months old now. That number has absolutely no significance to anything. It has just seemed in the last month or two, that when I look at him, I see a little boy, not a baby anymore. It's mostly the walking that does it, I think. Babies don't walk! Children walk! But it is also the talking and the laughing and the tantrums.
Oh my, the laughing. He has started making funny faces and when we laugh, he just does it again and again and again. I was feeding him some yogurt this morning and he snatched it off the spoon with a big "Umph". And when I laughed he kept doing it, over and over, giggling the whole time. He loves his books. Boo! Boo! And he loves his balls and trucks. Yep, he's a little boy.....and it breaks my heart a little. My little boy.

First Blood

2009-07-26T11:17:00.000-07:00

It had to happen at some point, and yesterday it did. Ledger was headed towards the car and took a faceplant in the driveway. When I saw him face down not moving I knew he'd busted his face. I brought him inside, and by the time Barry brought out the hydrogen peroxide he was over it all. He sat there saying "GO, GO, GO" while we got him cleaned up. Today he woke up with a puffy black eye.

Testing

2009-07-24T08:03:00.001-07:00

Does my new, 'post a blog from Google' function work? Even though it's been 8 months, I've changed jobs, houses, and my kid grew a couple of feet? Hey look, I just updated my blog in one sentence!

Snapshot

2008-11-09T13:28:00.000-08:00

It is 3:00 on a Sunday afternoon. I am sitting in the office, and I can hear my boys snoring. Barry in one room and Ledger on the other side of me. Napping away the afternoon. Ledger cried when I put him down for a nap. Big, angry tears. I offered him his stuffed monkey, and he just shoved it away. This is new, he's been a good napper for a while now. But for the last couple of days, whenever we have put him down he's reacted like we suggested he lay down with vipers for a few minutes. Maybe its the runny nose bothering him, or maybe it's a new phase, but either way, we'll eventually come through it. I've been to church, we've all had lunch together and gone to the park. These are the days. The days that will be gone before I know it. The way Ledger laughs and laughs as we swing him at the park. The little dance he does in the bed when we come to get him after a nap. The bounce and reach when the bottle comes out. The smile of pride when he stands up, only barely hanging on to our hands.

When we were bringing him home from the hospital, he started to cry. And to stop him, I started to sing. And it worked! It was probably a coincidence, but my shaky rendition of "you are my sunshine' made him stop crying. And it still works today. It worked at the doctor's office yesterday, and when daddy was changing his diaper this morning. How much longer will the sound of my voice, singing off key, stop him in mid-fuss? I know it won't last forever, but I hope the sound of my singing is always a good memory for him.

Happy Birthday

2008-08-20T04:32:00.000-07:00

Today is my 28th birthday. Well, technically, yesterday was, but I am posting this on the morning of the 20th. I worked yesterday and then when I got home it was bottles and diapers and bed. Honestly, there is not a great difference between the day before the day before you turn 28 and the day after you turn 28. However, our society looks at beginnings (New Years, birthdays, anniversary's) as a time to examine where you are and where you have been. I am 28 years old. I am married, with one child. I am a librarian.

It feels like I am coming out of a difficult phase. First I was pregnant and sick, and then I was pregnant and tired and then we were adjusting to a tiny screamy person and then I think it just took me a little while to adjust after the whole "birth trauma-postpartum-emotional" thing. I don't know, maybe this is just a break in the storm and tomorrow I'll feel bad and depressed again, but it really feels like I am coming out on the far side. And I'm ready to recconect with friends I've ignored for a year and start exercising again, and maybe start volunteering again, and maybe even start going to church again. I don't think it was bad or selfish to lay on my couch and bring a baby into the world and focus on me, barry, and ledger for awhile. It just feels like right now, with my birthday, and Ledger's six month birthday, and summer cooling off into fall, that it is a bright new start for myself and my family. And I'm afraid that I'll wake up in a couple of days and be exhausted and a mess again. But maybe, just maybe I have come through a hard adjustment and now here I stand, on the other side of it, stronger and healthier and so much blessed with my beautiful baby.

The air is cooling off and I am so ready for pumpkins and turkeys and fall. And in my head that means pushing Ledger in his stroller down the sidewalk and hearing leaves crunching under my feet. But...um...my neighborhood doesn't have enough trees to have leaves on the sidewalk, so clearly that isn't gonna happen. I'll have to settle for crisp air and Halloween.

4.5 months

2008-07-16T04:42:00.000-07:00

Time is passing by and we are so busy that I am not writing anything down. You are laughing and rolling around and I am not keeping track of it. You have had a tiny bowl of oatmeal before bed for three nights now. I want to remember this. Every new development is amazing and wonderful for your father and I. When you rolled over on your own, we jumped up and down and hugged each other. The thing is that every new thing gives way to the next new thing. You are bigger and smarter and more aware every day. Someday, in the not to distant future, all of this is going to be a fuzzy memory. I'll remember things, but certainly not everything. That makes me a tiny bit sad. But your father and I are soo excited to be able to watch you grow and develop and turn into a tiny little person. We love you.

Workin Mama

2008-05-07T04:48:00.000-07:00

I've been at work now for three and a half weeks. It's good. I love my job, and it is a pretty busy time right now as we move into summer time. As you will learn, summer is the busiest time of year for me. I come home every day exhausted. But I also come home every day feeling like I've made a difference. I see hundreds of children, and share fun and reading with them. I feel like I have a purpose and am a succesful professional during the summer.

At first, it was good to be at the office, with grownups, being in 'my space'. As time goes on and every day, you get a little bigger, (12 pounds at your 2 month checkup, 24 inches), you get a little more interactive, a little more giggly, I get a little sadder about leaving you. I want to sit and hold you in the morning, I don't want to pop you into a car seat and drive you through traffic to Meme's house. She loves you sooo much and has so much fun with you. I couldn't be happier with where you spend your time. Leaving you for 11 hours a day is sucky. What I have to know, is that it really isn't sucky for you. But it is for me. How can I leave this face?

Lucky Boy

2008-04-20T08:37:00.000-07:00

My mother came to stay for a few days this month. She is so good with you. She is patient, and endlessly competent. Clearly, I knew she was competent, she managed to raise me, after all, but I love watching her with you. She talks to you in this calm way, acting like you understand every word. Becoming a mother has forever changed my relationship with my own mother and my relationship with you will hopefully always be influenced by the amazing mother that I have been gifted with.

Aunt Bethany also came to visit you. We have been friends for over 20 years now, I can hardly believe I have known any one for that long. She has been a constant friend and voice of reason for me, but has never really been a 'baby person'. She was so enamored with you, and it means the world to me for her to love you. I hope you will always have her in your life.

I look at how lucky I am. Lucky to have beautiful, strong women in my life. My sister, my mother, Bethany, Julie. Women who have loved me, supported me, and helped to shape me into the woman that I am. And over the past month, these women have held you, given you bottles, kissed your little face and just loved all over you. I have no idea what your relationship with these women will look like in five, ten, or twenty years. What I do know is that you are an incredibly lucky boy to have them and I hope that is a gift both of us will never take for granted.

4 weeks

2008-03-25T07:47:00.000-07:00

It hasn't even been 4 weeks since we brought you home. And every day seems to be the same cycle of eat, sleep, poop but at the same time, every day you seem to change. You sleep a little bit less, you make a little more eye contact, your legs seem just a little chubbier.
When we first brought you home, and you would get angry, you would put your arms up by your face like a boxer and just shake them. And sometimes, while you were sleeping, or particularly enjoying a meal, you would throw both your arms straight up over your head and wave them back and forth. Those newborn reflexes are already starting to disappear. And somehow I am stuck in this wierd place where i know the changes are good, and inevitable, but it still makes me a little bit sad to watch you grow out of them. And if I am this emotional about your newborn arm reflexes, just imagine how I am going to be when you learn to walk, or graduate from college.
I want to write everything down. I want to remember the way your father obsessively disinfected his hands every time he touched you, until a week went by and he got over it. I want to remember how we took you to the doctor for the first time, and how we spent the first week making sure you were still breathing. I want to remember us figuring out the trick of changing diapers without getting peed on and the one time your father was changing you and managed to let you pee in your own face. I want to remember every moment of cuteness and frustration, but if I spend the next five years writing everything down, I'm afraid I'll miss out on the opportunity to be making more memories. So, I'll do the best I can, and I know the most important things will stick.

We took you to Uncle Darren's for Easter this weekend. And when I needed to pick something up, everyone offered to keep an eye on you while Dad and I went to the store. We almost ran out of the house. But as we drove away, I could almost feel the imaginary string between our hearts stretching out. And I know, that God willing, that string will never break, but will continually stretch and grow, giving you all the independence you need to be a strong, healthy man, but always tethering you to a place of unconditional love.

Baby, Oh, Baby

2008-03-19T07:19:00.000-07:00

You showed up three weeks late. Well, maybe not technically, but considering that I was so sure you were coming on Valentine's Day and decided to sit on the couch and wait for you, those three weeks really felt like you were dragging your feet. Even after I waited three weeks, you still didn't show any interest in exiting unless we gave you a little nudge.

We checked into the hospital at 7:00 on Thursday, February 28th, 2008. That is 7:00 AM! On the way to the hospital, we stopped at Jack in the Box so your dad could have a delicous breakfast sandwich and I could hungrily watch him eat it. After we found our way to Labor and Delivery, the nurse asked 50 million questions and gave me an IV. It didn't really fill me with confidence when she didn't know how to use the 'num lock' on her computer, but she did seem to know what she was doing when it came to my health care. The doctor came in and broke my water, and encouraged me to walk up and down the hall to encourage you to get the party started without the use of drugs. I was in favor of this plan, as I was relatively sure that drug inspired contractions would be more dramatically painful. Your father helped me get up and situated and we set out to walk the halls to force you out. My mom showed up just then and the three of us walked up and down this empty hallway for half an hour. I was feeling twinges, but nothing compared to what would come later.

After half an hour, we went back to the room so the nurse could check on your heartbeat. She couldn't find it. At the time, I thought she was just having difficulty locating it, but now it seems that maybe that was a sign of things to come. She made me get back in the bed so she could monitor you continuously. My contractions still weren't registering very high, so they put a monitor on your head, one on my uterus, and started to give me some Pitocin to get things going. The pain quickly got worse as we labored through contractions. I was at about 5 centimeters dilated and pretty uncomfortable. Your father was cracking jokes, but was really pretty amazingly supportive. I sent him away occasionally so he could get some air, but he was a real trooper.

As I sit here now, three weeks later, occasionally nudging your bouncy seat with my foot, a lot of the day is a blur. I had an epidural, they kept adjusting the drugs to try to get the contractions just the right strength to get you out. I still thought everything was going somewhat okay. Your heart rate fluctuated a few times, I spiked a fever, and the epidural started to wear off. They gave me drugs for the nausea, pencillin and tylenol for the fever, and put an oxygen mask on me. I still thought everything was going to be okay, if we could just get to the pushing part. They offered to reup the epidural, but I wanted to be able to feel enough to push. I wasn't allowed to eat or drink, but your dad kept feeding me ice and telling me to put my oxygen mask back on.

When we finally started to push, your heartrate dropped in a way that alarmed the doctor. They had me stop and wait for it to come back. Twenty minutes later, we started again. Your heart rate dropped again. They started to tell me we had to do a c-section, but somehow, I just couldn't hear what they were saying. I was holding my ankle, and I kept trying to push. Your dad and the nurse were trying to push my leg down, and I just couldn't let go. I kept telling them to stop pulling on my leg. The doctor said, "we have to go now!" Then suddenly they are pushing me, I could barely see your father as I went out the door. I heard them saying they would come get him. And I was crying and so scared. Someone asked if I had an epidural and the nurse responded that I could feel everything. I was in a surgical room, and it seemed to be full of dozens of people. Someone was adding something to my IV, someone was sticking something to my chest, and the room was just spinning, and I couldn't stop crying. Someone told me to try to calm down. I kept saying, "I know this isn't helping, I'm trying to stop." I was so scared and everyone was moving quickly to get to you. Someone said they had lost your heart rate and we couldn't wait. Then there was a mask on my face and a voice told me to count 5 breaths. I only made it to 2 breaths.

They told me later you were born at 11:11, and because you were in distress they took you to the NICU, gave you some formula because your blood sugar was low. You were 21 inches long and weighed 8 pounds and 7 ounces.

I woke up in recovery, and then dropped off again. The next time I woke up, I asked where I was, and then I kept asking where you were. I wanted to know if you were with your dad or not. When they told me that you were not able to be with him, I was so scared and confused and in so much pain, I just wanted to know that even if you couldn't be with me, that somewhere in that hospital, you were being held by your father. I was so fuzzy that they had to keep telling me the same things over and over. They gave me a button attached to a pump and told me to click every time it hurt. I didn't want to click it to much in case it would knock me out again before I could see you. Then someone came and rolled me down the hall to my room. And your father was there and I remember seeing him and crying, but everything else was a blur. Then a nurse rolled you in on the glass bassinet and she talked about your stats and your health, and I heard her, but I couldn't take it in because there you were, laying in that glass box. And I was still so druggy, and couldn't hold you, but I asked if I could see you, and she picked you up and held you right in my face. And I was so surprised how beautiful you were. I had been waiting months and months, and I had no idea what you would look like, but I was so surprised that you were so gorgeous. Then I dropped off to sleep, and your father told them to take you back to the nursery. I didn't want you to go, but there was no way I could feed you or hold you, and he didn't have it in him either. We needed to sleep and rest, but I hated the thought of you going away. He slept on the couch, but woke up every time I moved and whimpered in pain.

The next day was a blur, they brought you to me, and I held you, but the pain was so much, and the drugs were so much. Someone came to take your vital signs, and your temperature was way to low, so they took you away to put you under the lamps for 4 hours. And I understood, and I knew everything was fine, but between the emotions, the drugs, and the pain, I was sure you were gone. I was so sad and sooo tired. But you came back and I started trying to feed you and it felt like everything was going to be alright.

I sent your father home to get a good nights sleep, and asked the nursery to take you back for a couple of hours. I wanted you back at 2:00 in the morning so I could try and feed you. At 2:15, I climbed out of the bed and shuffled down the hall to find you. I had been seperated enough, and wasn't going to take it. Just going down the hall to get you made me feel like I was going to be able to take care of you.

By Saturday morning, I was out of the bed, taking a shower, trying to get better. Your father came in, carrying flowers and a huge stuffed duck, a much better person for a good nights sleep. Aunt Bethany, Aunt Julie, and Darren and Tammy came to see you. Mimi and Papa came by, Grandma and Grandpa were there. There were lots of people holding you and loving you.

The nurses were so kind and patient. Every single one of them was nice to a fault, it was a gift and a blessing. Not a single one of them laughed at our silly questions and they took care of both of us so well. When the doctor came in on Saturday afternoon, he asked if I wanted to go home and it was all I could do to not climb out of the bed right then.

We left the hospital by eight o'clock on Saturday, I was sitting in the back seat, watching you, hoping you wouldn't suddenly stop breathing. You were home, and now the hard part was over and we had you safe and secure with us.

Welcome to the Summer of the MOVIE

2007-06-04T19:10:00.000-07:00

You have to say that title in a big dramatic voice. "THE SUMMER OF THE MOVIE". We are average middle class people, and as such it is our duty to watch whatever drivel Hollywood chooses to throw at us throughout the long hot summer. Actually, it is going to be a very long, busy, insane summer, and the way we are going to cope is through the joy of the cinema. So, here is the rundown of all the movies we are going to see:

No Reservations, Georgia Rule, Shrek 3, Fantastic 4, Harry Potter 5, Pirates of the Carribean, Knocked Up, Hairspray, The Ex, Die Hard 4, Rush Hour, LUcky You, Mr. Brooks, Oceans 13, Transformers, Bourne, License to Wed.

I count that as 17 movies. I think it is doable.

We watched Georgia Rule (3 stars), pirates (4 stars), and just this weekend, Knocked Up, which I also enjoyed. So, three down, 14 to go. I have a very low standard for an enjoyable movie, so I'm thinking it won't be hard to have more good ones than bad on the list by the end of the summer.

May Update

2007-05-03T18:18:00.000-07:00

Eh.

So, I'm a third of the way through the year, and really, the goals are getting...well...low on the priority list.

I'm busy living my life, loving my new husband, and watching way tooo much TV.

April Update

2007-04-10T18:34:00.000-07:00

1. 175 pounds - I lost 10 pounds this month, but I'm not really that much closer to the goal. I continually recommit to this goal.

2. Pay off debt - I'm still paying on it. It's frustrating because it is hard to see any progress, but I know it is happening.

3. Leave the country (twice) -No progress, but if something has to give on this list, I think this is going to be the one.

4. Work on Career - Good, good things are happening. Most days I feel like I am making real progress.

5. Visit 3 museums - One down!! We went to an exhibit at the Dallas Museum of Art, and we are planning another trip this month.

6. Treat my husband with respect - It's hard! But we are working on our relationship every day and the return on that investment is huge for me.

7. Take a class - This hasn't made a lot of progress, but I'm hoping to take a class this summer.

8. Decorate Two Rooms - Um...I didn't do anything more on this in March. But I'm on it. Really. Maybe.

9. Volunteer - The actual volunteering began just last night. I didn't actually fit it into March, but finally in the 4th month of the year, I am plugged in. I'm watching kids at a domestic violence shelter while the moms are in group meetings. It makes me tired and a little sad, but it isn't a huge investment to help out 2 hours at a time.

10. Keep up with these goals. - I'm faltering here as well, as is evidenced by my posting this on April 10th. It took awhile because Easter was this weekend, but I'm going to do better this month. For reals this time.

Culture

2007-03-23T17:59:00.000-07:00

Well, I did it. I finally accomplished one of my most concrete goals for the year. Well, almost. Well, actually about a third of the way. But the point is I went to a museum. My husband and I drove over to Dallas last weekend to see the new Matisse exhibit at the Dallas Museum of Art. It was VERY crowded, and the line to buy tickets was unending, so we just started to wander around the regular exhibit. This tiny little docent promptly stopped us and asked to see our tickets. When we told her we didn't have any, she made us head back to the front of the museum. Can you imagine? I always thought those people were standing around to make sure no one stole or damaged the art, but it turns out they are also there to make sure no one steals free peeks at the Jackson Pollack.

So we bought tickets and paid the extra money to get into the Matisse show. Which was very interesting, but we spent more time in the modern art section. Barry finds these things a little boring, but there was this one piece he couldn't stop looking at. It was a large piece of plywood with a used paintbrush glued to it. Mind you, the paint brush had not been used on the plywood, but it had been used. He just kept standing there, going, "WHAT????" The final straw for him seemed to be that the installation was titled as "untitled". That generated a few more, "WHAT?????"" Maybe next time we will try art that actually looks like something.

Frustrating

2007-03-14T05:29:00.000-07:00

While it can be cool, it can also be very frustrating to have your mental and emotional health and well being completely wrapped around the physical well being of another human being. Who you can't control.

For example, if your husband wants to jump out of a plane without a parachute, there is nothing you can do to stop him.

Or if your husband wants to eat hamburgers for dinner every night and get bigger and bigger and completely disregard his family history of heart attacks and will not go to the gym or a walk around the neighborhood with you even though he clearly said that he would. And somehow blames daylight savings time for his inability to exercise.

Frustrating.

Restless

2007-03-13T18:56:00.000-07:00

I get restless, or maybe I'm just bored. For as long as I can remember, approximately every 3 months, something has to change. I haven't overly analyzed why this might be. Rather than assuming that it has to do with some defect in my childhood, I'm just going to go with boredom as the cause.

This particular aspect of my personality is what caused me to quit my job while I was in college, or break up with a boyfriend, or drop out of school for a semester. Every time I have colored my hair a bizarre shade has been a direct result of that "something must change" urge. The problem is that now I am married, so changing boyfriends isn't really going to cut it. And I have a mortgage and a car payment, so I can't exactly just quit my job. And I'm a professional woman, so drastically changing my appearance is not as easy as it once was. A tattoo? Probably not. The point is that as I get older, that need for change is getting harder and harder to fill.

It's been 6 months now, since I moved in with Barry and started my new job. I'd just started thinking maybe it was time to start looking around for a better position, when something wonderful happened. My boss asked if we could change my schedule at work. Instead of working Mon-Fri from 9-6, I am going to work every weekend and have two days off in the week.

What a relief. The tattoo parlors of Texas are safe. For now.

2007-03-04T16:16:00.000-08:00

March Update

1. 175 pounds - I haven't lost anything, but I have started going to the gym 5 times a week. And I know that it works.

2. Pay off debt - This isn't very exciting to say I have been paying regularly. All I can do is keep going. I had to buy a new car when my beloved Kelly died, so it is going to set us back a bit. At this point we have adjusted the goal to having half the debt paid off.

3. Leave the country (twice) - I'm still hopeful but this goal is directly at odds with the previous one. And if I have to choose, I definitely am more commited to goal #2.

4. Work on Career - No committee work has actually come through, but I have made some positive steps with my boss. The goal for March is to present a more professional image at the office. Giggle less and wear suits more.

5. Visit 3 museums - No museums in February either, however, I'm justified in that it was a short month. We do plan to attend a Matisse exhibit next weekend, so I'm still working on this one.

6. Treat my husband with respect - Working on it!

7. Take a class - Working on It!

8. Decorate Two Rooms - I hung curtains!!! I sold a bunch of my husbands stuff on craigslist!! I'm making progress!!! I should be off the hook on the others, just because of my awesome progress on this one.

9. Volunteer - I found a place and contacted them for information. I'm hopeful that the ACTUAL volunteering will start this month.

10. Keep up with these goals. - This one is still in excellent shape!! Woohoo.

Honestly, it feels like we are over an initial adjustment bump. I'm doing friend stuff, I'm staying busy, I'm not crying all the time. It feels good, and strong, and positive. Which may mean tomorrow everything will be disatrous. But right now.....I feel good.

2007-02-02T19:43:00.000-08:00

February Update:

Well, 1/12th of my year is gone. Let's see how I am doing.

1. 175 pounds - Well, um. Let' s just say that this wasn't a priority in the last month, but I know it will be soon. I bought a big water bottle, I signed up for a walking challenge, and I registered for a produce bulk buying program. I am well on my way to making February a healthy month.

2. Pay off debt - The tax check wasn't as large as I would have hoped. I have continued paying aggressively and have consolidated so that I am not paying more than 4% interest. I'm making solid progress on this one.

3. Leave the country (twice) -I've been doing research and trying to stash a little money without sacrificing goal #2. I'm going to have to start looking into the best way to travel cheap.

4. Work on Career - I've been agressive on this one as well. I've volunteered for several things at work, and signed up for some professional development and committee work.

5. Visit 3 museums - No museums this month. Most of the month was busy with my wedding, but I have high hopes for a valentines trip to the modern art museum.

6. Treat my husband with respect - My husband!!! We're married now, and I am working on being more supportive. I'm not close to perfect, but I am conscious of the situation.

7. Take a class - I waited to long, but there are some starting in March, so I am going to sign up as soon as possible.

8. Decorate Two Rooms - I've bought a few things, so here's hoping I have time.

9. Volunteer - I'm looking for a place.

10. Keep up with these goals. - YES! This is the only goal I have made substantial progress on.

So, yeah, I probably need to work on this a little more. I need to take solid steps every week to meet these goals. These aren't crazy, difficult ideas. They just require me doing more than watching The Office and eating french fries.

2007-01-29T19:14:00.000-08:00

January 27th, 2007.

I got married. I held the hands of the man I love and promised to love him forever. It was the best day of my life. Our families were there, I wasn't stressed about anything. For someone who uses my words incessantly, it is rare when I don't have words to describe something. But there are no words to adequately express my joy. My joy for having a teamate to walk beside me for the rest of our lives. My joy for having a family who so deeply shares my triumphs. My joy for friends who are absolutely positively behind me, no matter what. There just aren't words.

So.....pictures.

Now on to the rest of our lives.

2007-01-10T20:05:00.000-08:00

I didn't grow up in a house that exemplified equality in marriage. While maybe not always in deed, at least in words, "Your Father is the leader of the home". As a result of where I am from, I tend to be a little uptight about making sure 'my rights' aren't being violated. Now that I am in a real life relationship, my black and white views of how things should be are fading into more palatable greys. Am I abandoning my beliefs or just letting go of childish ideals?

My husband is considering changing jobs. I'm not overly sure I think that's the best plan. However, he is going to make this decision. When I say that, I feel a little like I am ignoring my feminist beliefs.

Of course I told him how I felt. I told him I loved him andI was completely on his team. Then he told me all the benefits he saw out of a move like this. And I told him the negatives I saw. Then we talked about it again, and said all the same things in a new way. Then we talked about it again. But the bottom line is that this is his career. This is his daily doings. And maybe I'm right and the commute will be unbearable, but maybe he is right and the positive steps in his career will be worth it. But either way, I don't get to make the decision about his career. I get to give input and am grateful that he is 'hearing' me. But he can't tell me what to do,and I can't tell him what to do. The whole 'decision making as a couple' thing is an evolving concept in my life. Decisions that affect both of us should be made democratically. But inthose situations where we disagree, turns out our parents were right, and someone has to be the 'final say'. The difference is he doesn't get the last word here because he has a penis. He gets the last word here because he is the one who is most affected by this decision. Just like I get the last word about my career. And of course, if I felt more adamantly against this, I would expect him to respect that. But, in this situation, I don't feel strongly enough to draw a line in the sand. I hope I'm not changing who I am, but the fact is that in 'real life' sometimes both members of the team can't be in control.

My best friend tell me that compromising is not a betrayal of 'who i am'. She doesn't think equality is about everyone getting equal treatment... It's about everyone having a voice. Everyone gets to say their piece, andeveryone gets heard, and everyone makes a decision that is good for the general population.

What do you think?

2006-12-30T19:38:00.000-08:00

I don't believe in resolutions, but it can't possibly hurt to write out what I would like out of the year to come.

Goals for 2007

1 175 pounds - I want to have a baby soon, and I want to be in the best possible shape to do that. My 'ideal' weight is 175. I'd like to shoot for that. I was 182 at the beginning of 2006, so I think I can make it. This is only first on the list coincidentally. It isn't the most important thing, and I hope I don't treat it as such.

2. Pay off debt - I owe a fair amount of money from the loss I took at the sale of my house. I want to be completely debt free by the end of the year. With not having any bills, and hopefully a large tax check, I hope I can do that.

3. Leave the country (twice) - I have an old goal of ten countries by the time I'm thirty. To stay on track with that, I'll have to hit two a year from now on. I'd like a honeymoon to Puerto RIco in August and perhaps a trip to Vancouver next Christmas. A lot of that depends on the previous goal. I don't want to get out of debt just to get back in.

4. Work on Career - I want to take some steps forward in my career in the next year or two. In the immediate future, I need to get some experience with professional organizations, implement some creative programs, and really step up my efficency with the boss. I also want to work on my managerial skills this year.

5. Visit 3 museums - I talk about this a lot and never seem to leave the comfy couch. Three in a year is more than reasonable in the area I live in. I am just a few miles from great culture. Okay, great may be pushing it, but I am near a metropolatin area, and I can find a useful museum.

6. Treat my husband with respect - I am getting married in a couple of weeks and I really want to work at putting more respect into our relationship. I occasionally don't act like I respect him. For example, sometimes I know that what he is saying he will do is not going to get done. Then I feel like I have to point that out. There is no reason for that and it isn't uplifting. I want to be more uplifting and supportive so that he can tell that I do respect him.

7. Take a class - I love school, I love education. This year has been all about my relationship. It is time to start rediscovering the things I love.

8. Decorate Two Rooms - I have lived in this house for 4 months, Boyfriend has been here for two years, and nothing has been done. PAINT, I need paint!

9. Volunteer - Ditto #7. I was talking with Boyfriend the other day and realized I've been so focused on other things that I have stopped actively working to make the world a better place for anyone but me. But now we are moving forward in our life together and I need to adjust my focus before I lose a part of myself.

10. Keep up with these goals. - These goals will not mean anything to me if I don't actually stay aware of them. So, once a month, on the first, I will return and evaluate how each goal is coming along.

Who knows, maybe I'll finish them all in one month and then watch tv and eat hot pockets for the rest of the year.